Verso l'alto

You know the feeling of delight that overcomes you so that this is the internal scenario:

I'm standing on the precipice of wonder and awe... I cannot tell whether I am falling, falling, falling further and faster and deeper and becoming more and more free, or if in quite the opposite direction the spiraling heat is lifting me, raising me, moving me so that I am flying, higher and higher, faster and lighter so that I am lost in the abyss of the sky... they seem to be the same thing, yet complete opposite directions. Which is it to be, my heart? Where are you going?

Well, if you don't recall this feeling, or worse, if you're quite sure you've never felt this way, you really must take some time to discover it. Sometimes it comes from the silence, just being still while the wind whips around you and you recognize that you are, although what and who you are seems to be in an ongoing process of coming-to-be. Other times it is a distinct encounter, one person who says "I love you" and you are shocked that when you respond you mean it so totally that there are no inhibitions left. Other times you will discover this in the mundane day-to-day processes, that somehow you are just tickled inside that you make coffee every morning or that you have this or that book to read for class.

The truth is, if you want to stand on the precipice and dive off the cliff, you have to first get to a cliff. You can't be sitting in the sand safe and warm awaiting some ridiculous joy to find you there! Get to climbing! The higher you climb the farther you can fall, or the swifter you shall be caught up on the winds. This is far too abstract for me to give you a concrete example, because although I absolutely believe you need to really physically climb up something from time to time (trees, mountains, even stairs can do the trick), this is more so meant to be an internal hike.

There you are, your mind safe and secure, wallowing in the muck of comfort. Start shaking up the ground my friends! If you're not sure where to start, ask the Lord for some light. So often we get stuck there because the lights grow dim while we're resting, and it just isn't practical to start a journey in the dark - you have no idea where you're going or what you'll end up facing. But let us not stay at rest with these rationalities dictating our pace! If we have passion for life, let it explode to a passion for everything! If I really delighted that I could type on this computer.. well why not? I remember being in 7th grade and having to work at reading what came up on the screen in instant messenger instead of watching my hands on the keyboard. I also remember when I first picked up that guitar and strummed a G. Oh boy! God bless my roommates who patiently endured my practicing. Yet now, when my soul finds its home in the notes of that same instrument, am I stupefied that I am the one making the music? I should be!

Open up your eyes, your heart, your life. Ask for the light that enlightens every man to enlighten your internal eyes. Be blind not as the pharisees, on the inside, but to the world in its temptations. See with your heart instead. See with gratitude, thanksgiving, surprise and awe! I am amazed that this snow is STILL falling outside (second blizzard in a row), but I am also amazed that those trees haven't fallen on my apartment, since they have fallen on cars! I mean honestly, how can we desire the fire and passion of freedom-in-love if we do not practice loving things? It makes no sense that I will ascend the mountain of love if I have not learned how to walk on the rocky terrain and how to judge when my footing is sure or not. These skills come from the small day to day practices of gratitude in everything. I am grateful I am stuck inside! It has taken six days of this to place me in a state of mind where I can really reflect on who I am.

Do not fear the fire of love the Lord places within you. It will mean change - sometimes instantaneous and sometimes very slow - but do not try to control it! Allow him the room to move and work within you. We all have imaginations and can be creative and be full of hopes and dreams - but none of our own creations are going to be quite as full of love and freedom as his will for us. So let us get to climbing. As Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati said, "Verso l'alto!" (To the highest!)