I'm turning 24 soon.
It's right around the corner. This is the first time since I turned 21 that I can remember being really excited to grow older. It's stupid, I know, but 22 and 23 were years where there was a lingering attachment to the things of "youth" (especially college). Not that I feel any less free to be silly or childlike - in fact, all the more reason to keep a childish spirit! Yet, I do feel very confident that growing up a little more is a healthy and good thing.
We all say, "when I grow up I want to be..." Often we discover that those plans didn't come through, and where we are is not where we planned in our 8 year old minds. What I'm discovering, and what I think most of us know all along inside, is that it isn't so much the what of our lives, but the who, that is the defining character. It makes far greater sense, when you think about it, to measure our lives according to our personal growth and human development over our physical or material accomplishments in our society. The social maze has walls, limits, boundaries, etc... Certain degrees mean you can do certain things, specific work experience means you can move on to a better place, etc... It really is the game of Life out there, where you start with your little car and hope that you end up with the family, the job, the high salary, etc...
The game of Life, however, does not include personal strength, growth, virtues, or even happiness. It does not reveal to us how our internal castle is what we really spend our time on, where we really put our work into. Many "great" people in history have said things like "they can take my home or my family or my wealth but they cannot take my faith." The point is that there is an impenetrable fortress within each and every one of us, and it is our hearts, our minds, our wills, our dreams and hopes, our desires, our fears, our loves. We can choose to build the gardens and towers and halls of this fortress, or we can neglect it and allow the flowers to whither and the halls to decay. It only makes sense to continue to build it up, to foster it and till the soil, because within our hearts we cannot reach boundaries - there are infinite leagues to cover, infinite heights to climb, infinite depths to discover. In the world we will eventually be defeated, if not by the systems in place then by our own old age and eventual inability to work or even function. We remain limitless on the inside, able to ever-access the beauty and freedom of love.
So as I approach another year of life, I reflect on the dreams I've held for myself. I consider how many have not been accomplish, but how some have that I never imagined at all. I am surprised by my life as it is - this isn't what I had anticipated. Yet, I am grateful, for the steady building of my interior castle continues, and has perhaps been made more easy and more successful by the many steps that have lead me to this job I work and the classes I take and the people I live with.
What I resolve myself to for this coming year is to never measure myself by the ruler of the world. I am going to always fall short compared to some, and ever look impressive compared to others. It makes no sense and it is more often defeating than encouraging. I like to dream big and I do not want to stop. I want to trust my heart with all the reckless abandon I can muster, and throw myself into the winds of hope to see where I fly.
I know I am going to face greater stresses, bigger challenges, deeper wounds and harder climbs as life moves forward. I have greater responsibilities and more cares every day. These cannot control me or dominate my thoughts, however, and I implore others to do the same. Cast all the fear and anxiety away. Give it in faith to the Lord. It is not only the only way to live freely, but also the only way to grow as we ought. We need to ever remain God's little children, who trust and expect him to provide for our every need, both in the order of grace and in the order of the world. He will never leave us orphans, and so in confidence we should strive ever more to apply our whole hearts to every thing, every person, every challenge, every moment, every day.
I am going to be stepping into some new shoes very soon, and I plan on running with them.
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