Before the Face of Christ

I have nothing of anything worth saying.

I recently read something for class concerning St. Bernard of Clairvaux as a mystic and writer. The discussion was on his humility when approaching writing, how he managed to be detached and uncredited while at the same time being a learned and talented writer.

It made me think more about the journey of being little. I remember too vividly a time when I wanted all the recognition in the world for any achievement, however small or insignificant. I believe we all need to grow through a time of affirmation as we're attempting to define who we are and to be sure that there is "good" about us. However, it was refreshingly freeing when I realized that it was good to let go of your own honor or praise and allow others, and the Lord, to take the credit. It's certainly less stressful to not seek the attention.

Yet, that is just one step in a very tall journey. Beyond a simple "not needing to be the center of attention," there comes the awareness and settling in of reality, which is just how small you truly are. "Small" is hardly the word... tiny, little, worthless, broken, needy, empty, pitiful, pathetic, etc... and yet these are only somewhat true, because the awareness of this reality is in full conjunction with an awareness of your wonder before God. It is thus an affirmation and a let down, a let down within an affirmation, an affirmation of the let down and yet the let down is for the sake of the affirmation. You are instantaneously able to know that you are nothing so that you can be handed the something that you are. If you are not able to be so emptied and so poured out, you will never have room to receive what the Lord would pour in.

This is easily summed up in Guadiem et Spes 22, Christ "fully reveals man to himself." Cliche? Some might think so. Simple? Too profound to mean anything? No. Not in the least. It is that Jesus is the perfection of what man is meant to be, the "whole puzzle" of our many little pieces. His person contains and reveals all we are called to become. The title to be given to this fullness is none other than "Child." Who is Jesus, if not Son? Before he is God he is Son of the Father. He is the Word. Jesus' identity before the Incarnation and after is still God in the fullness of Divinity, one and the same with the Father and the Spirit, three in one, the Blessed Trinity. It is always risky to attempt to chat about the Trinity and hope to not leave oneself in heresy, but that's my goal - no heresy! Here goes: So within this beautiful and awe-inspiring existence of God as Father, Son and Spirit, each is known and named according to their relation to the other. God the Father is not and cannot be God the Son, nor the Son the Spirit, etc... they are all God, one and the same, yet each their own relation which cannot be removed or changed. Therefore, as Christ is the Son, and his very identity bound to his relation to the Father, does it not then follow that if he is the fullness of perfection for what man is called to be that man is thus called to be Child? Yes! We are not "sons and daughters of God" only because it sounds nice and fluffy. We are truly made into new creations through the waters of Baptism, and we emerge as a child of God through the redeeming work of Christ.

One of my favorite images to pray with is the Scripture passage concerning the wineskins. It reads as follows:

"Go and learn the meaning of the words, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' I did not come to call the righteous but sinners." Then the disciples of John approached him and said, "Why do we and the Pharisees fast (much), but your disciples do not fast?" Jesus answered them, "Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast. No one patches an old cloak with a piece of unshrunken cloth for ^{its fullness pulls away from the cloak and the tear gets worse.  People do not put new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise the skins will burst, the wine spills out, and the skins are ruined. Rather, they pour new wine into fresh wineskins, and both are preserved." Matt 9:13-17}

So often I think we are ready to tell Jesus who we think we are... we're certainly attempting to be prepared to tell our friends, our family, the world etc... And so we must, because we know very well that if we do not present a picture for others to name, to know how to call us, they will assign us one themselves, and what is worse than being forced to create ourselves is being named by others! At least we are somewhat aware of ourselves - others will simply label as they see fit.

Yet, this is not the correct way at all! True, we must come to know ourselves. That is vital. But to know ourselves is NOT to decide who we are according to the standards we're presented with, as if at a buffet table that we are being shoved along in a line "here, pick if you are punk or classical, smart or fun, but hurry up before we give you meatloaf." Rather, to know ourselves is above all to allow ourselves to be given. Now, don't go crazy pious on me and think I mean you must go wash all the dishes, give all your favorite clothes away and periodically beat yourself when no one is around! Those things are certainly well and good (well, some of them), but those are meant to come from a heart that is full, not one that is empty. But when we are the ones defining ourselves, we are terrifyingly empty. And we will never be enough. We cannot have what is needed to serve and fulfill others on our own. We won't even have enough to serve or fulfill ourselves. The only way to find ourselves, to "be given," is to receive ourselves from Christ. It is to-be-given-as-a-gift-from Him! We are to set ourselves before him and say, "Show me reality. Who am I to you? Who am I before you? Who am I to be? Why do you love me? What is there within me that keeps you faithful to me when I am so unfaithful to you?"

This is never easy because these questions are dealing with the Truth on a highly personal and forward basis, and that is the Truth in person, Christ the Lord. We are asking to know ourselves. That inevitably means we must be ready to know that we are broken, hurting, insufficient, etc... Yet, he does not love us because he has promised and so therefore, he stands by his promise. No, that is far too human a way of understanding him. He is passionate! He sees into our souls and he is set on fire! He wishes to be near us, yearns to hold us in his arms, is crying out to draw us close and rock us to sleep. He wants to whisper to us all night long his love, and to teach us all day who he has made us to be. His answer, when we ask, will be "you are mine." More than anything else, that truth and that reality exists on the highest plain and it is there that he draws us to. There are many other parts of us to be worked out as we allow him to bring to our minds the failings we need to work on along with the good things we need to be joyful in, but in the end his words of "remain in me" will echo the longest. This is the resounding beat that turns St. Paul's "resounding gong or a clashing cymbal" into beautiful music - the thrumming of a heart that has your name for it's beat. Those syllables dictate the pace.

So this is the delight of one found empty, because he can write you anew every day. He can edit you and fill you in until your pages are full of verses you never expected you could write and gifts of yourself you didn't even know you had to offer to others. And this is the hope of the one who awaits the new wineskin. Clothed anew as a child of God, you are free to take up his yoke of love and find that all the work and service and sacrifice of your every day life is actually part of a glorious love song that is working on filling the world until it's over flow has the rocks themselves singing out. You have no limits when you haven't given yourself any! You can discover love that you had no idea existed, and what is more is that you can reveal that love to others who will promptly drop their jaws! "You aren't definable... you aren't meatloaf and you didn't even get into the buffet line! What is it that gives you such freedom?" Jesus has called every soul to this delight of smallness, where the heart is able to climb the highest mountains and swim the widest seas. On the practical level, we all know what it feels like when you have nothing to lose. You aren't afraid of anything. You are particularly dangerous. There is no restriction because it's all been wiped away. This energy or freedom taken into the love of God is the most transforming power imaginable. It is actually unimaginable, and yet real. You allow yourself to lay down all of your thoughts, hopes, fears, dreams, ideals, ponderings, troubles, loved ones, etc... and you give them to him. And you trust. And you wait. And in the silence you let him speak. And you accept those words that he offers you, no matter what, because they are Love itself.

This is how we discover who we are, how Christ reveals to us little by little the perfect image we were created to fill. This is what we hope to encounter daily when we seek the face of Christ.