Interlude

Right, so I usually follow a strict policy of "no journaling" on this blog... but I'm breaking it. Just for a moment.

Love, in all of its intricacies, in the final moments, is about one thing only: all of you, or not all of you. It is a light shone upon a prism that breaks apart its myriad of beautiful, haunting, daunting, enthralling, spellbinding colors... but in the end is still just that single instance of the light hitting the prism. The light has to give itself over to being broken apart, spread out, revealed. The prism has to allow itself to be struck, to be shone-through, to receive the light and make it more complete, more fully itself through the revelation of all that is contained in it. This is what love is!

We, as people, face the same thing, moment by moment, day in and day out. Will we be 100% or not? Will we forgive every time, when they just don't deserve it? Will we keep our mouths shut when we know we're right just because we understand the other isn't to the point where they understand? Will we keep ourselves from measuring against the "give" of the other and simply keep giving ourselves? How often do we think - she hasn't bought that for me, so I don't need to buy it for her, or he mowed the lawn, so I'll do the dishes for him... it becomes a bargaining life, a 50-50 attempt at freedom, happiness and completion. But love is not 50%. It is all, it requires all, it demands all. It cannot be satiated by half-a-heart, half-a-life, half-a-soul, half-a-body! It needs, as we need. There cannot be that hesitation, that "holding some of me back for safety," that insecurity of letting go too much or sharing too much or falling too far.

Darn it! There is no "too far" in love! It is a bottomless pit! How else is love to be stronger than death, I ask you? Tell me! It must be something beyond life and death, something that holds the balance, or holds them both, or holds it all! It is its own entity, its own being. It can be multiplied and recreated and shared and given and spread and opened and played in and heaped up, but not withheld, not squandered, not stored away.

Thomas a' Kempis said, "Love flies, runs, and rejoices; it is free, and nothing can hold it back." This, my friends, is exactly the truth. It is stronger than death because it is the most free thing that is, because it was before all else and will always be. It is God, God is love, he is love, love is he. It is, as he is. He is, and love is. He gives it, and as the torrents rush out, we are created in it, and we are sustained in it, and in the end we will find our home in it.

Can't you feel it? Can't you sense it's burning desire? It's consuming! It engulfs you. There's nothing left! It looks like its snowing, but it's the ashes falling from the fire that just took you up in it. You are gone, and all that is left is the pure sweet song of morning, the cool, mellow breeze of evening, the sweet honey sunlight of summer afternoon, the invigorating chill of the snow in the air before it falls, the feverish excitement that takes hold when the electricity burns up the air and the storm is about to break. Nothing is left untouched by love. You cannot hide it away, you cannot hide yourself away. The light breaks into every shadow, shines on every dark place, looks into each secret room and every buried memory. Love casts a new shadow, one that is cross-shaped. The most pure love in existence is that which freely gives itself totally over to the other, for the other, without any inhibition, understanding that there will be disappointment, injustice, injury, or even rejection. It gives anyway.

I have tried to live at times with the safety brakes on, hoping that I could "love" and yet not get in too deep. I have felt deeply but convinced myself it was not love. I have felt less deeply and believed it to be love. In truth, the only times I have loved well are those that I have willingly handed over the state of my happiness, the state of my peace, the state of my well-being, of my heart, and said "whatever you want." I highly recommend this exchange of love to be first and foremost with Jesus Christ, God our Father and the Holy Spirit. I also recommend offering yourself fully to our sweet Mother Mary. Then, consider that same abandonment in every relationship possible. Each requires differing degrees of self-gift, certainly not each are the same. Yet, in principle, true love is that total gift, whether the recipient has been found worthy or not.

"O Holy Spirit, soul of my soul, I adore you. Enlighten, guide, strengthen and console me. I promise to be submissive to all that you ask, and to accept all that you permit to happen to me, only show me that it is your will, and give me the grace to do it. Amen."
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, we place all our trust in you.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.