Where The Heart Is

I have a few things to say.

First of all, love alone is credible. Truly. Tell me when you remember counting anything as worth that didn't involve deep love.

Secondly, where you give love is where you will find yourself home. I miss, oh how I miss, the places I have travelled that have become "like home" to me. Mainly, Gaming, Austria and Dandann, Haiti. Why, though? Why is it that I am so intoxicated with these memories, so inebriated with the desire to be on that soil once again? Why can I be so sure that if my feet where only back on those trails I would know more about life? Sometimes it's as if they hold the keys to the knowledge I've sought all my life. What makes them so illustrious in my head and heart?

It is because in both of these places, I have laid down my life in a truly unique way. I have given up my will, my desires, my needs, time and again, for those around me. In Gaming, I spent a semester unlearning much of the pride and selfishness that I still carried as your "typical American teenager." I spent four months coming to a point where I meant, with all I was, the commitment of my life to God. I spent four months undoing myself that I could be remade. I prayed until I heard God's voice. I sat in silence and waited. I travelled far and wide. I sought him. I was a hunter, and I did not give up. I knew my soul needed more, and I was tireless until I possessed it. I suffered, was lonely, felt unwanted and misunderstood. These were only part of the trade for coming to see the face of God as I had never known before. I waited in that chapel day after day to allow him to penetrate through all my smoke and defenses, all my excuses and safeties. He did. He always triumphs. It can be the worst waiting for him to show up, but that light always breaks through, and the darkness is always scattered. His victories are sweet, and worth all the anticipation. So I know why my heart knows it is home there. It has bled there. It has died there. It has been reborn there. It is a womb for it as my mother's was for me. Within the bounds of that town, those mountains, that church, I grew richly. I developed senses for truth, beauty and goodness. I had the mud rubbed in my eyes so that what was washed clean was brand new, and able to see so much more clearly.

In Haiti, in just a few short days, I found much of the same transforming spirit at work on my heart. The sacrifices of one friend for another, of a sister to her family, of a "stand-in" mother for the orphans. Putting band aids on blisters, passing sunscreen to those who needed it, giving out granola bars and cliff bars and candy and toys. Moving to the job you wanted to do least, because someone else wants to do yours more. Giving your friend the better paintbrush, the less-smelly kid, the non-oozing diaper, the better piece of bread. Being silent when you want to talk so that others can. Being happy when others are sad even if you want to go hide in a corner too. Picking the child who wants to be held up, even when your arms just can't hold any more babies. Sitting through another sweaty night when you just wanted to feel clean for a few hours. Laughing when you fall off horses, when you have blisters in places you didn't know were possible, when you can't hold any food in you for the life of you, when you're deathly afraid of spiders and they seem to gravitate to your cot. Praising others when you feel so in need of appreciation. Loving others when you just want someone to hold you instead. Seeing past your own neediness, which is real, because your friend's neediness is more real. Wanting to shout to the world that your feet HURT and then spending the time listening to them share how their blisters are killing them instead. Feeling like you can't take another minute of noise and then smiling as little children's hands are all over your skirt and their voices are filling your ears. Wondering if you have the strength to keep standing sometimes, and then somehow being so rejuvenated because you picked up a child and kissed them.

This is exactly why these places are home. This is why any of our literal homes remain places we yearn for in our hearts. It is our families, those we have laid down our lives for, whom we have loved profusely and unconditionally, that make our "home" for us. This is why friends become like-family, and why places like Gaming and Dandann create the atmosphere of home for us that is perhaps more tangible than when we walk into our parent's homes.

They say "home is where the heart is." I say, "the heart is where your home is, and the home is where you have given the most love." Home is where you have served. Home is where you have died. Home is where you have surrendered and sacrificed and discovered all the joy and excitement you hoped for. Home is where you have truly lived.

Passion

Put your whole heart into it.

One of my favorite verses from the Old Testament was in this Sunday's morning prayer. It's from Ezekiel, 36:25-28. It goes as follows from the Revised Standard Version:

"I will sprinkle clean water upon you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you.
A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to observe my ordinances.
You shall dwell in the land which I gave to your fathers; and you shall be my people, and I will be your God."

The Lord informs us we don't have to do much work to learn how to love. He plans on doing the hard part for us. The New American Bible's version reads, "taking from your bodies your stony hearts and giving you natural hearts." This is how we were meant to live, how we were meant to love. With hearts that are real, enflamed with his Spirit and alive in his mercy.

For God to love us is for God to exist. For us to love him in return, and to love others as he teaches us to love them, is for us to receive another great gift from him; a gift of a new heart, a heart that is not afraid.

The Scripture passage that sunk in for me today as we celebrate our Nation's Independence was Galatians 5:1, "For freedom Christ set us free; so stand firm and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery." We cannot dwell in fear for one so great as the Son of God himself freely chose to lay down his life on our behalf and to pay the ransom for our sins, that we might be able to walk in his light and receive the gift of salvation.

But we cannot falter when we look upon the gift! It must not blind us with its light, or startle us with its greatness, to the point that we would not want to receive it! We might feel unworthy, and rightly so, for we are. Yet, he has made us worthy. So we cannot push it away, or deny the gift he seeks to give us!

Today in mass I noticed the mother in front of me cover her sons shoulders with her cardigan (it was rather cold in the church). The little boy shrugged it off and looked at her as if to say, "Mom, really?" I know we all get frustrated with loving gestures our moms try to show, but what came to mind after observing this was how often the Lord attempts to love us in just the same way, and how often we too shrug off his gifts and say, "not now" or "it's a little embarrassing right now, God."

He wants us to have hearts that are open to receive. How else can we live? How can we have the hope of growth or change or goodness or virtues or perseverance or victory if we can't open our hearts to love? This beautiful quote was in one of my favorite books of all time, "I Believe in Love." I'm paraphrasing, but it read something like "A holy nun once said to St. Francis de Sales that she wished to learn love through humility. St. Francis replied that he wished to learn humility through love." I found this so striking because it is absolutely humbling when you realize someone loves you, truly. You know your flaws, your failures, how selfish or impatient you can be. You recognize that you don't always have it together and perhaps you never will. Yet, they love you. They choose to love you. They continue to choose to love you day after day, for who you are now, not who you'll be or who you've been. They sincerely appreciate the heart, soul and mind that dwell together in the person that is you. They wouldn't want you any other way. Why? It seems ridiculous. Love is ridiculous. Of course it should humble us. It absolutely should leave us completely dumbstruck, flabbergasted, maybe even spellbound. Ludicrous. It is ludicrous that any heart can fully and freely give itself over to anything another might bring... beauty and pain, joy and sadness, and the greatest risk of abuse or abandonment... while simultaneously the greatest risk of perfect and ever-present fully returned love.

To enter into this, we need rejuvenation. Often. We cannot help but build up defenses. Walls keep the pain out and help us to manage how we encounter life. Yet, these things can greatly hinder us from receiving and giving, and they aren't meant to last. Sometimes they are good or necessary as we work on healing, but the Lord invites us constantly to new freedom, new wholeness, new love; and with that, he offers us new hearts.

So let us learn how to accept from Jesus' hand the heart he offers us, so that in turn we can passionately live this life, fully giving and fully receiving, because our stony hearts have been cast off and our natural hearts are beating fast.