Much to Say, No Time

I have no time because I want to eat, not because I don't have time :)

But I will discuss manhood soon, I promise.

I also just returned from Haiti, so pictures, descriptions, etc... are to be found soon.

However, for a moment I want to share something I was told in confession today that I have had on my mind all day.

The priest said to me (something akin to), "You can't expect others to see deeply into your heart. Only Christ can do that. You must rest on his heart, and never leave it."

Context was basically my frustration with myself when I realize how often I desire the attention and love of others, close friends and mere acquaintances, even to the point of losing myself or my opinion to the effort of making them happy with me. Sometimes this can seem like a valiant "laying-down-of-selfishness" or something, but often it is just a failure to know yourself in Christ enough to be bold when it is hard or inconvenient. I recently heard it said, "It wasn't convenient for Jesus to get crucified." Amen!

So my point it, allow the Lord and maker who created you and knows your interior much deeper than even you to love you there and speak words to you so that you come to know yourself more deeply and can live more authentically. And then leave the rest to his mercy and grace, especially when you desire the love and praise or even just acceptance of others. We must be humble enough to realize his is the only opinion that matters.

You must increase and I must decrease.

Preview of Coming Attractions

Assuming that I get my bioethics paper finished before I die.... the next post or two will be on masculinity and how we understand it today, and the direct effect it has on men in our culture and women as well!

So come back soon. :)

A Good Laugh

Let's be serious here-
1. this is just funny
2. if you've EVER had a cat... you know this is a real possibility.
3. what better way to procrastinate than to post ridiculous photos on the blog??

Safe Arms

Deliver me out of the sadness,
Deliver me out of the madness.
All of my life I've been in hiding wishing there was someone just like you,
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
-David Crowder

Sometimes all I want is my mom or dad. You know the feeling. Life begins to be a little more than you can handle, or want to handle. You need someone to take care of the responsibilities. Rather, you want to run as fast as you can, for as long as you can, in the opposite direction. Out of sight, out of mind. And in this case, thus out of obligation.

I shared with a friend that I feel like I just am not strong enough to handle what I have been given. The gifts we receive implicitly bring responsibilities, and quite frankly I have been feeling like moving to a farm in Kansas and unlearning everything I know would be great. But his response was just right - You don't have to be. God is.

Cliche, sure. But when you place yourself in the imaginative and visual realm, consider yourself in your smallness. Those shoulders are only so wide. That back is only so strong. That head can only be held up for so long. And then you couple, you break under the weight. I know I do. And moreover, I would prefer to not have to get to that point. I would prefer to be overshadowed, to have the larger arms encircle me, the stronger, wider back behind me, the loving head of my Father above me. If he's holding me, scooping me up in his arms like the baby I am, then it seems as if those heavy burdens have become feathers floating away.

And then he can gently rock you to sleep, kiss your forehead and tuck you in. You can use his arm for your pillow. He won't leave you while you rest. You can sleep safely.

Some lyrics from a song by Paramore also speak to this:
Keep me safe inside your arms like towers, tower over me.
Keep me safe inside your arms like towers, tower over me.

What I love is that she follows the bridge with a short pre-chorus of:
and I'll take the truth at any cost.

This is the courage that comes from knowing ourselves in this way - as the little one, the child, the baby, the lamb, the one to be held and carried and protected. The knowledge of this, the reality of it, creates the space we need to know the hunger in our hearts to love our Comforter even more. Who doesn't find that when love is ignited in their heart from gratitude, they yearn to give back to the one who they are thankful for? Who doesn't want to know better, know more deeply, one they find themselves loving? It's an ongoing cycle of appreciating someone and therefore loving them more through this gratitude and then because of the love wanting to know them more, and then as you discover more of them you find there is more of them that you love, and then you are grateful all the more. It goes on and on. And so as you are being held in these strong arms, against the chest of God, listening to his perfect Heart beat, you yearn to know him. You want to love him more and to do so you need to know him more. Because he is the Truth, this means seeking out the truth. And so we realize that everything in this life, even our very lives themselves, pale in comparison with coming to know the Truth of God and his love for us in its fullness and reality. So we will give anything and everything to come to know it more, to come to know him more.

And so I want to be in these safe arms.

The Earthquakes of 2010 (so far)

First Haiti, then Chile, and now China? We need to keep these people in our prayers! The lyrics in a song from a hymn at mass today said something like "if we cannot love our Savior than we will not be able to love our brother." Perhaps that's cliche and generic, but the point is this: you are born into a family, like it or not. Beyond that you are also part of a human family - the family of believers within the Church, the Body of Christ, and also the family of all your brothers and sisters, whoever they are and whatever their beliefs.

I was recently struck with sorrow at my own impatience in life when I watched a girl go up for communion at mass. She had very little use of her legs and so had the special crutches that are much like arm braces to allow her to walk. When I thought not only about the strength it must take in those arms just to move her body around but more importantly the strength to face each day, and every person she meets, with self-confidence I was floored. How hard! How very hard to face a world that says physical beauty (and at the very least, physical ability) is a must. How courageous, how absolutely beautiful, that she would live in confidence of Christ's love for her, even if this world will often judge and reject her.

Perhaps most profound was the thought that followed - why wasn't that me? What on earth kept me physically sound and whole and this sister of mine broken? Why was I able to complain about being exhausted from a run and she would never know the joy of running as hard as you can. The same emotion struck me when watching Avatar, because it is so clear the things we completely take for granted, like walking each day. So many suffer from various disabilities or diseases throughout their lives. They are our brothers and sisters, even when they look weird or we feel uncomfortable around them. Discomfort is never a good excuse for not loving someoen. I've heard it said before how obviously being nailed to a cross wasn't comfortable for Jesus. Point taken.

We must therefore do all we can for our suffering family members. These are our siblings, who are hungry and bruised and broken. They need our prayers, our letters of support, our financial assistance - whatever we have to offer.

Let us pray:
Lord God, Father of all people, we place before you our suffering family. Be near to those who have lost loved ones through disaster and disease. Draw into your heavenly abode all the souls of those who have passed from these devastating disasters. In your mercy and love, send your Holy Spirit to comfort, guide, enlighten and protect the hearts and souls of those who are stuggling to survive. Move in the hearts of your more fortunate children to realize that all they have been given is a gift from you to be shared with their sisters and brothers in need.
Blessed Mother, you know every sorrow and every hurt carried in the hearts of the poor and the hearts of those who mourn, for you yourself were poor, and you too have mourned your only Son. Hold our brothers and sisters tightly to your heart and never let them be parted from your tender compassion or the Heart of your Son Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
We ask this in the name of Jesus the Lord, through the intercession of Mary, Joseph and all the saints.
Amen.

Lila Rose and Live Action

This video was created by http://www.liveaction.org/, a movement for proving the truth concerning many of the lies spread by Planned Parenthood. This is a video of a woman seeking answers and help from a PP employee. The sad part is evident, because the truth is not spoken. Please watch!
http://www.youtube.com/liveactionfilms.

This Just Makes Me Happy

I don't know who these people are, but let's be real - this is just beautiful. That is the delight we are called to have with life, in life, of life. Thank you Jesus for life!

For God So Loved the World

I know it's Easter, but the Resurrection only comes after the Passion, and this image makes my heart melt.

Let him love you.

Feminism, part II

I know I wrote something on feminism back in the day, and I recall rereading it a few months back and thinking I was an idiot. So I may do that again. But as it is, I have a head and heart for the topic. I have a brief thought, and that's all:

"Feminism is the exact opposite of what it is meant to be; where women think themselves liberated, they are rather chained to one option- that of always choosing themselves. This, as history has revealed, is contrary to the very nature of woman, who has always possessed the capacity to give of herself to bring about greatness, most especially obvious in her ability to give life. And so 'feminism' destroys the true feminine nature."


This should seem clear, if common sense is being applied. 


Ask the questions. What is woman? What is feminine? What is proper to her as a feminine woman? If you can't come up with good answers, or answers that bring clarity, than ask the opposing questions. What is man? What is masculine? What makes a woman different from a man? What makes man different from woman? What are their distinct and unique characteristics? 


In our culture today, sadly, there don't seem to be a lot of straightforward answers to these questions. Ambiguity for the sake of equality rules. But has it ever struck you that being "equal" does not mean being the same?! Let's be very basic here - a cup of sugar. "Equal" to eight fluid ounces. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but sugar is a solid. So somehow a liquid and a solid are equal. But they're very different in their nature. 


Man and woman... very different in their nature. This does not create inequality! And we do not need to continually homogenize the genders to create one equal person without sexual difference. Sexuality is a part of the person. A woman has a sexuality that is completely different from another woman's and from a man's. That's why we are born with different bodies, different hormone levels, different metabolisms, etc... Our unique person cannot be understood outside of the aspect of humanity that is gender. This is what culture would have us do - reduce ourselves beyond that pesky issue of sexuality. If there's no sexuality to worry about, there can't be consequences to worry about either. Isn't this obvious! It's a cop-out. A nice blanket to throw over the mess that's been made by attitudes of "free love" and sexual promiscuity that have lead to so many people suffering from diseases, loss of loved ones, broken hearts, misunderstood attractions, abortions, contraceptives, and all that comes with this mentality. Can't fix the problem? Well then, just ignore it. It will go away. 


But it doesn't! Because we're humans. We are people. We love. We have so much more to us than what can be reduced and explained away! We should never treat ourselves with such little appreciation, as to reduce ourselves to a place where our sexuality doesn't matter. I can say very honestly there have been so many times in my life where I felt that life would be so much easier if I did not have such "girly" attributes. Emotional highs and lows, all the competition that comes to us as young women in a culture like ours, the demands on us to be a certain way to receive attention and love, etc... Why not just be a guy? Or better yet, not have emotions at all? Why let anything influence me or touch me? It seems to only incur pain.


But there you have the crux of the issue - once again - to avoid pain, suffering, and the things we can't make sense of, we have to run away from them. Yet, they chase us down. We can't escape them, even with our technology. We can't escape them even with our intelligence and great medical developments. We can't escape them because they are part of our nature, our very being. Sure, medicine can allow for men to be pregnant, for women to conceive from a petri dish, for people to change their gender physically. This doesn't change the unique person they were created to be! Gay or straight, man or woman, transgender or bisexual or any other state you can come up with... we all have one origin and one home. 


The good news is the Christ! The only real answer anyone who is struggling or suffering should hear is that Jesus loves them. Not the peace-and-love crap that has pretty wrapping but nothing inside. I'm speaking of the truth. The Truth. He is a person and He is personal. He loves to the point of shedding blood for his beloved. This is no joke. We are so far removed from his mercy! We can't imagine his forgiveness! We can't imagine that he would still love us! And we don't even imagine that He is real because (once again, our cultural situation) we don't meet him on a daily basis to know that he is real or that he loves us. I mean honestly, if you grew up in public school and you never heard a prayer, who on earth could convince you that Jesus and his message were true? Why would it make sense that a God infinitely loving and perfect would care about you? Would care enough to come to earth to give his life that one day you would hear of his love and want to love him in return? Oh America! No wonder we fear suffering so much! We pretend we've conquered death and then put all of our elderly in homes so no one has to be faced with the truth that age hits and we die. We pretend we've eliminated God from the picture because we can create new human life in a petri dish. Wake up! No wonder we're afraid of pain, of suffering! No wonder we won't face the consequences of our actions. Sin incurs a debt. Sin brings about hurt. It is a break from the love that God offers us, from our relationship with him. If we don't know that He loves us anyway, that he constantly calls us back, that he is faithful a million times that we are not, that he forgives us EVERY time we return truly repentant and with the will to amend our lives - well then, of course we would think it's a hopeless cause. 


But life isn't a hopeless cause and God's mercy is unending because he is perfect love. Read the Scriptures. Just open the Bible. His love will seep in and you won't be able to close your eyes to the truth. A hungry heart is necessary, and we're all starving for a love that gives life instead of death, that offers hope in a weary world. He is Life, Hope, Truth and Love. 


And this is the message that must be proclaimed in this world of gender-neutral treatment. I want to reclaim my feminine nature! I want people to know that by being a woman, there is a mystery about my person that is unique and special because it shares in the feminine mystery. Likewise, I want to look at every man and understand that there is a unique mystery in his person because he is masculine. Where do you even read those words anymore? Kids probably have to go to wikipedia to find out what that is. 


I am all for true feminism, because right now I don't think anyone can be accused of chauvinism or feminism. It's just straight androgynism (chuckle at the play on words later). The point is that there must be a reclaiming of an ultimate truth of personhood, a salvaging of a gender specific anthropology, if we are to ever understand the nature of ourselves and each other. I cannot bear to see so many men and women suffering because they have never been taught the inherent, innate and intrinsic (I love those words) beauty that comes simply from being born a man or a woman. We are equal, but different! Equal in the sense of human value and dignity, in a worth given to us by our being created in God's image and likeness. No matter what religion or non-religion you are, in the end, these natural truths are inevitable because they are prior to your existence. God does in fact create you. Therefore, like it or not, you will have to face that he has created us in a beautiful order, and in that order we find the truth that sets us free. This freedom is one for another, to give ourselves to God, to our brothers and sisters, to our families and friends, etc... A necessary and vital part of this order is that there is a gender difference that allows men and women to give themselves to one another in a marital union that is biologically and ontologically designed to be in the masculine-feminine complimentary structure. 

In the end, just read the Gospels. One will never find a lack of knowledge or truth that reveals the essence and purpose of being in this world when encountering Christ. Jesus is the fullness and perfection of mankind, the God-made-man who reveals to us God's perfect plan of love for humanity. 

Pondering Within

All I know is, God is good. He is real. Alive. And moving.

When everything you think is what you want turns out to be not what the Lord wants... cry. Then realize exactly how good He is.

He's good enough to give you better dreams.
He's good enough to reveal that He is REAL by his greater wisdom and plan for your life!
He's merciful enough to lead you deeper into love with him if you'll only accept that true love is the bitter sweet fire of joy and sorrow mixed together.
He's perfect. He is perfect and so he is so good and loving and merciful that he leads us to realize just how imperfect we are, and then when we finally realize that immeasurable distance between him and us and we think, there's just no hope - then he is even more merciful because he loves us in spite of our sad state. In fact, he may just love us because of it. He loves us because we are his children, his little ones, the hearts that hold on to his promise and refuse to let go come hell or high water.

Anyway, this is more therapeutic than enlightening, but the truth is so simple. "Walk with me?" He says, holding out his hand. The road is rough, and he is already in so much pain. How could you say no? No one in their right mind would dream of it, he so obviously loves them more than anyone they've ever known. So of course you take his hand, of course you start the climb.
And it hurts, and rocks cut your feet, and you sweat and you start to wonder why he would ask this of you at all. But then you remember, he doesn't need you there. He is going to keep on going. In the most humble love in all existence he invited you to come with him. So climb on! In fact, start running! Forget the cuts and bruises, the hunger and thirst. He loves you so much that you are a salve for his wounds and a support in his struggle. How can that be? He allows your little heart, with its little flame, to be such a light to his great and mighty heart. Why? Simply because that is who he is. What he is. Love itself. That is love. That is God.

I heard a prof say once that if in marriage prep the man is asked why he loves the woman and he begins to list off reasons, they aren't ready. Likewise for the girl. He said, there should be no answer. "I just do." "I don't know." It is meant to be so binding, so convicting, so wholly consuming that there really was never life before they were there with you and there certainly won't be life without them from now on. Another friend told me that knowing he would propose was the easiest question he'd ever faced. "There was no effort, no work. I never had to think about it. We both think the other is too good for each other. She makes me want to be a better man, and I make her want to be a better woman."

Clearly, the analogy of human love, even marital love, is still an analogy at best for the love that is experienced between man and God. Yet, for what it's worth, there it is. Jesus holding out his hand, offering to walk there, beside you and within you, to dwell and remain, and to be all that you work for, laugh for, love for and live for. Will you walk with him? Will it come to you in just such a way? So simple, so light, so easy? Will there be any room for doubt, once you know his enduring faithfulness, his extreme humility, his total otherness? It is precisely because of his greatness that the sacrifice and love he offers is so awe inspiring and nearly ridiculous. It is irrational by human standards that a God who is infinite perfection would yearn to be united in love with a creation that is infinitely imperfect. Fortunately for us, God's wisdom is not man's, nor his ways our ways. And because by his stripes we are healed, and by his Incarnation we are brought into relationship with the Lord, and by his Resurrection we are offered the hope of eternal life - oh let us walk with him. Let us never fear or tremble. He remains.

"Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart."- Lk 2:19

Pope Benedict XVI

My heart is heavy and broken when I read the many articles calling for Pope Benedict XVI's resignation. Oh silly and foolish people.

The Church is not a democracy, nor a political system for that matter. Certainly, any institution has its share of "politics," but the Roman Catholic Church is unique and cannot be confused with the common institutions of our day. This is an institution that has its Founder as Christ Jesus, God-Man, the second person of the Trinity. The Church's birthday is the feast of Pentacost, when the Holy Spirit, the third person of the Trinity, came down upon the Apostles who were in prayer. Throughout the past 2,000 years, the Church has professed belief in her establishment on ongoing guidance and protection within God himself. This is no ordinary situation then, where men can dictate the leadership and movement of the people of faith. This is why so many seem confused and foolish - if you do not believe in the Catholic Church's principles of faith, such as the infallibility of the Pope on matters of doctrine because of the grace of the Holy Spirit who protects the Church at all times and leads her ever more to the service of God, then of course you will not understand how ridiculous it is to bombast the Holy Father through the mainstream media as if Catholics are going to be swayed to vote for a new leader. WE DON'T VOTE for him! The Holy Spirit leads the Cardinals and Bishops to know who has been called forth to lead at the given time when it is necessary for a new Pope to be elected. This is a principle of FAITH, not of politics. Once again, attacking the Pope now is attempting to speak a language you do not understand if you think you can influence the Church. You are dealing with God, not with man. Certainly, do not mistake me, the Pope is a man and most certainly sins, as many Popes have openly shared their frequencing the Sacrament of Reconciliation, but the man who serves as the head of the Church cannot fail to lead the Church in matters of faith by the gift of the Holy Spirit. Here is a link to a site that details the teachings of the Church on Papal Infallibility: http://crawfordcountycatholics.com/infallibility.html. To hightlight a piece, the Catechism of the Catholic Church states in 891: "The Roman Pontiff, head of the college of bishops, enjoys this infallibility in virtue of his office, when, as supreme pastor and teacher of all the faithful - who confirms his brethren in the faith he proclaims by a definitive act a doctrine pertaining to faith or morals. . . . The infallibility promised to the Church is also present in the body of bishops when, together with Peter's successor, they exercise the supreme Magisterium," above all in an Ecumenical Council. When the Church through its supreme Magisterium proposes a doctrine "for belief as being divinely revealed," and as the teaching of Christ, the definitions "must be adhered to with the obedience of faith." This infallibility extends as far as the deposit of divine Revelation itself."
Consider St. Paul's words to the Corinthians: "For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe.
For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men" (1 Cor. 1:21-25). We may not always understand the moving and working of the Holy Spirit in the whole Body of the Church but we can and must trust that the same loving God who brought us into being, giving us the gift of Life and the gift of Baptism, the Sacraments and the Church, that we might have new and true life with Him even after this life ends...that same merciful and perfect God is the one who unfailingly leads his servants to his will and his wisdom. To men, this may indeed seem foolish at times, but it is rather the foolish men who are mocking God's ways that are humbled by God's wisdom in the end. Do not forget those who stood outside Noah's ark, mocking him for obeying God when it seemed so ridiculous. Yet, when the flood came, it was those same people who were begging to be saved.
Our Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, formerly Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, has been instituted as the Vicar of Christ by the Holy Spirit and the College of Cardinals. Faith calls us to believe that God will has and will continue to lead this man in humble service of the Church to bring her to greater holiness and love of God and neighbor. At the end of the Baptismal promises, the celebrant proclaims these words: "This is our faith. This is the faith of the Church. We are proud to profess it in Christ Jesus our Lord." Let us not be mislead but stand by the gift that Christ has given us and in prayerful support stand by our Holy Father in these challenging times.

O Man, Thou Art Dust

"You are dust, and to dust you shall return."

"Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel."

For Catholics, these phrases may be familiar. These are the two statements that are made during the Ash Wednesday services around the world as Catholics receive ashes on their foreheads as a sign of repentence and sacrifice as they enter the 40 days of fasting, prayer and alms giving that make up the season of Lent.

Last night I was almost sick as our nation voted to make health care a federally funded initiative at the expense of human life. My own tax dollars could kill a baby at any time. This is wrong in every way. The necessary good of making health care affordable and available to the many who suffer without it will not and cannot be outweighed by the absolute truth of LIFE being a fundamental and intrinsic good that must always be first! It is prior in the order of nature and it must be prior in the order of law. You cannot kill children as a part of caring for those already alive. This is totally illogical, and it is what our government decided was best "for the people" last night.

I don't have much to say about this other than I have been unable to breath or eat much since. My hands are shaking and my stomache turning. How can they be so blind? How can we allow a genocide to continue, and not only continue, but advance?! We should be taking out laws that make it legal to KILL anyone, much less fund for more of those murders! I just can't handle it.

However, we are dust. In the end, Jesus Christ has already defeated death itself. He became death and by it triumphed for all eternity as he rose from death to life. For the Eternal Life could not be in death, and so death was destroyed forever. So no matter what evils are surfacing and whatever battles are for us to fight, we know in the end who the victor is. "My Immaculate Heart will triumph." The Blessed Mother is the only place for me to find refuge and peace in a world that not only rejects all these "little ones" as good, but refuses to acknowledge their existence at all.

Let's end with a prayer by St. Aloysius Gonzaga, patron of youth, to Our Lady:

O Holy Mary, my mother,
into your blessed trust and custody,
and into the care of your mercy
I this day, every day,
and in the hour of my death,
commend my soul and my body.
To you I commit all my anxieties and miseries,
my life and the end of my life,
that by your most holy intercession
and by your merits
all my actions may be directed
and disposed
according to your will
and that of your Son.
Amen.

O Blood and Water which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fount of Mercy for us, I trust in You.

Have Mercy

Ever since I can remember, the phrase "Be merciful, as your Father is merciful" has been a part of my store-of-knowledge-to-be-applied-to-life. You could say it has a place in the stack of Scripture verses that have compiled in my mind and heart over the years, from which I draw the laws by which I live.

Yet, to be earnestly frank, that is one of the hardest statements by Christ to actually practice. I remember being little and hearing, "Be perfect, as my heavenly Father is perfect" and thinking, "Ok, Jesus, you got it!" As if that wasn't impossible. As I grew older, I came to a better understanding of God's perfection and my own imperfection. With the ever-widening gap visible before me, I understood the need for the "bridge" of grace and mercy to assist me in crossing to the side of holiness. To be "perfect" was something I would muse over, pondering exactly what Jesus meant here. He knew our sin - he was Incarnate Word for the sake of saving us from it! So how were we to "be perfect" when he knew how very impossible that was for us? Of course he meant grace, he meant answering the call to holiness that each receives in his life, that we all receive every day. He meant being open to the Holy Spirit and responding to his promptings and striving every day to live the Gospel in our lives.

To bring it full circle, especially during this time of Lent, I think it is fair to say he also meant these two passages to be mirrors of one another, revealing the deeper meaning in each. God's perfection is his very Being, and this Being we have come to know is Love, and this Love means his Mercy on us all. To be perfect as He is perfect is for us to strive to be merciful as he is merciful. This is no easy task when we come to understand his mercy! The Catechism from 1422-1470 discusses the truths of the faith concerning the Sacrament of Reconciliation or Confession. Here we find that the forgiveness God offers each of us as sinners does not contain only a cleansing effect - rather, it also is one of regeneration, and new life. We are not only forgiven, but restored to a proper place of unity and love. If this is how God deals with us, in the cliche phrase of "forgiving and forgetting," certainly our forgiveness and mercy towards others must be the same. Yet, how easy it is to "forgive" someone without making any reparation or reunification attempts! I recently heard Fr. Michael Scanlan on this topic of mercy, and to paraphrase him, he said, "If He has been wounded and persecuted though innocent, and forgiven us from the cross, how can we refuse mercy to those who ask? Have we been through worse that we could judge more harshly?" God's love manifests itself as extreme mercy, the most extreme form of reconciliation of mankind, one that destroyed the original sin and death itself! So our own mercy must imitate this perfection. It must be a mercy that forgets the offense, coniders it justly received because of our sinful lowliness, that loves the other still more for having offended, for it is now an opportunity for us to show our love. That seems almost illogical. In fact, it is illogical... for the logic of sin. Fortunately, Christ brings us the logic of the Word, himself, the Logos, and healing our wounded understanding he teaches us what is perfect, and what true mercy means.

So let us pray that today we can look into the hearts of one another with true mercy, forgetting any moments of offense in the past and reviving the love for our brothers and sisters that the Holy Spirit brings so that we may witness to the peace that is the gift of Christ in our lives.

Hungry Babies Need to Eat!

I have so much on my mind and no time to say a word of it.

Leave it at this (and by this point you ought to know that I can say nothing in short form, even when pressed for time):

A "call to holiness" is not simply an "option" for a way of living. That much it is, but fundamentally it is so much more. It is the only.. yes, let's repeat, ONLY, fulfillment for a human existence.

There is simply nothing else that can ever satisfy a human person.

Many would argue, many would say "maybe if you're religious." The many (or I should say, the majority) are not the law. In this case they are also wrong.

It is actually as simple as a logical deduction, which is delightful seeing as how I don't understand a lick of math and logic supposedly works hand-in-hand with mathematics. Here it is:
1. God is
2. God's being is timeless, limitless, in perfect act, perfect intelligence, perfect gift, perfect love, a trinitarian perfection of unlimited self-emptying and fulfillment between Father, Son and Spirit
3. God, out of sheer goodness and to let his glory be known and his love be shared, for his perfect-in-act-love is always shared-love, creates the universe, and within it, mankind
4. Mankind comes to know God through various pathways of intellect and reason, both through natural law and science and through divine revelation, beginning (credit to von Balthasar) with his recognition of goodness and love coming from his mother as a newborn. Completely helpless and fully dependent, his being is something that is real (meaning, he does exist), but he did not call himself into being nor does he know where he came from. At that stage, he is, and he is told he is good by the goodness of the one who cares for him.
5. As Mankind develops his knowledge and reason, he comes to recognize the universe before him as something concrete and measurable, and begins to learn through quantifiable scientific study
6. (you may sense where this is going, so I'll cut to the chase) Mankind reaches a point where he no longer acknowledges the initial dependence of his very being, his being-in-existence, on any "other." Somehow, man is self-sufficient, and where he comes up short he is more ready to supplant the possible truth that could bring clarity to life with other self-created answers, because he is determined to maintain his autonomy.
7. Modern Man becomes directly dissatisfied with life as he experiences it. There are no more adventures left to be had, no more discoveries to be made. Every continent has been walked on, space is explained, we all know where we came from and how we evolved... and all that is left to do is find ways to be entertained via media and technology until we are freed from this false goodness we did not ask to come into and don't seem to ever really control. (sound familiar?)
8. Some of Mankind has clung to a moment in history (ie, a REAL event, historical and literal) of Divine Revelation that enabled man to know his true cause and thus, his true end. Jesus Christ, God made Man, comes to reveal where man is really from, where the world and the universe get their being and are maintained in existence, and what their ultimate purpose is, Who is their end. These "religious" people adapted a new order to their logic, their reason. For them, first premises and universal truths are the foundation that all other reason is built on. They accept that they are good, because they have been brought into being by the Good. They work towards a transformation of self and the world into more-of-that-Good because it is within the Good that they find all the truths they seek. For them, Scripture is the manual, the handbook for life. To every problem they face there is a way in which God leads us to handle it, and they discover that when they live as God invites them to, the problems are curable.
9. So we reach that argument that says God is the fulfillment of all man only for Christians and those who want to be "religious." That would only hold true if he had created a sect of people to reveal truth to, to reveal himself to, and not for the rest of the world. Yet, even that is not reasonable. Mankind is ontologically the same. We all are this amazing mesh of spirit and body, able to go far beyond the material world and yet completely and utterly within it. We are not dualistic, or animalistic, or angelistic, or any form of dichotomy that makes for a fragmented humanity. We are a dual unity, a unique being. This being the case, if any one of mens soul's were to be ultimately fulfilled in God, it would only be if that soul had also come from God, for the end is directly related to the cause. If this is the case, and the cause is the end and the end the cause, and one man came from God initially and will eventually be at rest in him again, it would only follow that all those sharing rational spiritual being like this man would also have this God for their originator and also this God for their end.
10. Ergo, on the ontological, spiritual, teleological, rational, and you name it level of humanity, God truly is the only fulfillment.

Not sure if that made any sense and I refute myself if at any point I'm a heretic. That goes as a disclaimer for all of this blog. My heart is in the right place but I can be dumb, so let me know I'm "anathema" and I'll correct my errors!

On the far less philosophical/metaphysical/theological level, let me know when you can prove that anything else truly fulfills humanity. I'm certainly open for discussion, I don't like the idea of basing my entire life (staking all that I am and all that I do) on something that isn't true. That's exactly why I'm convicted that you can't prove it otherwise, because I'm striving with everything I have to let this possibility of God fulfilling me wholly and totally be alive in my life. It's not easy and I certainly don't always allow God the power he should and could have, but I know this much: I go before the Eucharist and echoing in my soul are the words "I am satisfied." I don't really like bread, so this is not some basal need being met (although actually it is, but that's what I just said above). My point is that it takes realistic and actual experience to enable the heart and mind to be made whole and to find their reason for being. We live in the world that we might come to know who we are, why we are, where we come from, where we are going, and what it takes to get there. If we that become convicted of God's fulfillment as the only option for life do not live as if we've been convicted, it seems the world has a sorry chance for realizing that the Gospel is real.

So to summarize what I said would be short but honestly interjected with "it never is" - God is all that is going to open your heart to what your true desires are, and to the full potential of all that you can be (sorry Army). Once we know his love, his mercy, his forgiveness and healing, his strength and might, his courage and valor, his beauty and glory, his zeal for our love... we must live as people in love. We must live recklessly and foolishly for Him, so that the world will at least have the chance to see and hear that there is a Love that fulfills all holes, that breaks all bonds, that melts all walls and that leaves us overwhelmed by joy.

Gratitude Gives Life

This is such a simple principle, and those are always the ones which captivate me.

I am listening to wind howl around the trees outside my window, and watching the lights of the town flicker as the branches move in and out of their light. It takes me back to a time when I was miles about the ground, dumbstruck flying over Africa. We'd been passing over the desert for hours. Yes, as when you fly over the ocean to get from the United States to Europe, except that vast expanse that stretched below me was brown and tan and formless, rather than blue and sparkly.

I was spellbound because for all of that time, all of those many miles, I had seen barely any civilization. One might expect even a military base or some type of shelter, maybe the proverbial and then literal oasis; but there was just nothing out there.

It grew dark, and then it was easier to distinguish life on this foreign tundra... you could see the lights. Granted, they were sparse and very few collectively, but at least there was something down there, right? I'd never been afraid of crashing in a plane over water, mainly because everyone knows you get in your life boats and land is never too far off. This was totally different. I was quite sure if we went down anywhere around here, there wasn't much to hope for.

Anyway, we began to approach our stop, Addis Ababa, the capitol city of Ethiopia. Now, as an American, I'm conditioned to think "big," "busy," and so on when I see a capitol of a country. I think that is generally standard for the Western European nations as well. This was completely different. The amount of total lights twinkling in the dark was much like the little window I have here in Virginia. Not a ton. Not even a lot. It was like Nowheresville in Ohio.

I was so baffled, and to be honest, I was thinking something like, "what have I gotten myself into?" If that was all the electricity they had to work with, how were they going to feed us for a month?!

Well, fortunately my time spent there did not result in anyone starving, but it was absolutely a cut back from my lifestyle here in the States. I leaned things from those people that have been with me for the past four years and I'm sure will never leave. They had nothing. I've been to Jamaica and I've seen poor places on this earth, but these people had nothing. Nothing! The Missionaries of Charity seemed the most well-off, and they own two tunics. They wash one every other day, alternating. Their food is provided by God, through donation. They care for all their sick, all those dying from malaria at their gate, they educate all those orphaned children and give them food each day through donation. So what does that say about everyone else?

I have never seen so many sick people in my life. I did not speak with one native Ethiopian that I can recall who had not lost at least one family member to disease in their lifetime. Not one. I thought it was horrifying when I discovered one of our guides had lost one or both parents and at least one sibling to malaria, and he himself had nearly died of it as a child. I came to discover nearly everyone else had the same story. If it wasn't malaria it was the common cold. You wanted to say their immune systems couldn't be so poor, most weren't HIV positive. Yet, undernourishment goes a long way, or rather, proper nourishment makes all the difference. Every day that we left the Missionaries compound to go to the village or to buy food, we'd be guaranteed to return to another person lying outside their gate, nearly dead or already dead, and just hoping the sisters would pick him up and ease him out of this world.

I did not have the stomach for it at first. I couldn't conceive of these people surviving. How, with so much sorrow and pain, were they able to function. I've seen a bit of loss myself, and by God's grace I endured, but if the coals kept on being heaped upon my head I just don't know if I would have kept fighting. Yet, so many were! Not only fighting, they were grateful.

This came as a cultural surprise to many of us on our first days there, but in their culture men will hold hands. Now, what does that instantly cause us to assume? Of course. Not for these people, however. In their culture, men who are friends hold hands walking through the streets just like eight year old girls here would. It means nothing more than, 'You are my friend and brother.' But it does mean more than that, at least I believed it did. It meant, 'We have only today to show that we love and are thankful. Tomorrow you or I might be gone. So let us be thankful.' It was highly entertaining to watch the men who came with me on mission initially recoil from the Ethiopian hands thrown over their shoulders as if they were a tired bird finally reaching its nest. It did not take them too long, however, to adapt. Even through their initial discomfort they made the effort, and by the time we left it was hugs and hand holding and arm tossing left and right. It was actually beautiful. To me, that was the most obvious sign of our inner transformation from these people. We came, Americans on a mission to serve and love. We left, Americans on a mission to serve and love. We thought we meant to help the Ethiopians, but they informed us we needed to go back and help our own culture! How little we understand the shortness of life, the nearness of death, the possibility of taking such joy from every moment of every day!

I recently watched Avatar, and I am not going into how I felt because that's a can of worms for another day, but I will say this - when they refer to how soft muscles become in space, I thought of how we, the Western culture with all of our conveniences and pleasures, are the epitome of that experience. Most often, I think we get soft. Things become routine, we rarely have to fight too hard for anything, and we can deal with it when things don't go our way so we never bother to make changes. I sat in class today drawing pictures, mentally traveling to who knows where, plotting out the rest of my afternoon, writing notes to my classmate, and occasionally writing something down from the class. I was dying to get out, itching to move. I like that class and it's content (it's Christology), but I was just not ready to sit still.
Seriously? I couldn't pause to rejoice that while I met so many people in one country who had not the luxury of education to the extent that they did not even know the national language because they'd never gone to school, there I was partaking in a Masters course? I can afford to expand my mind because I'm not just trying to survive. That is a gift! I'm certainly not always fond of our laziness here, but I'm also not trying to detract from our great nation either! We have so much potential - potential to make the world better for the millions who do not have the opportunities that we do. Yet, we cannot for a moment think that because we have clothes and they do not, because we can read and write and they can't, that we do not have anything to learn from them. That would be our great mistake. They understand life and death. They see a big picture we have a hard time finding. They understand how to make every moment and every person count.

I pray that we can all find quiet places to hear the wind whistle and watch the world outside and consider just how small we are. That wind may have blown over my family just hours before. It may travel across the ocean. And here I am, staring out the window. I pray we can be thankful, no matter where we are or what our circumstances. Gratitude was the lifestyle of Christ. In Scriptures Jesus is always "giving thanks" to our Father in Heaven. This is how we find life, true alive-ness in our daily activities. When we're bored and sitting in an hour of traffic, we rejoice. We delight because this life has one goal, and that is to come to know and love the Father, and He has given us the gift of living.

Verso l'alto

You know the feeling of delight that overcomes you so that this is the internal scenario:

I'm standing on the precipice of wonder and awe... I cannot tell whether I am falling, falling, falling further and faster and deeper and becoming more and more free, or if in quite the opposite direction the spiraling heat is lifting me, raising me, moving me so that I am flying, higher and higher, faster and lighter so that I am lost in the abyss of the sky... they seem to be the same thing, yet complete opposite directions. Which is it to be, my heart? Where are you going?

Well, if you don't recall this feeling, or worse, if you're quite sure you've never felt this way, you really must take some time to discover it. Sometimes it comes from the silence, just being still while the wind whips around you and you recognize that you are, although what and who you are seems to be in an ongoing process of coming-to-be. Other times it is a distinct encounter, one person who says "I love you" and you are shocked that when you respond you mean it so totally that there are no inhibitions left. Other times you will discover this in the mundane day-to-day processes, that somehow you are just tickled inside that you make coffee every morning or that you have this or that book to read for class.

The truth is, if you want to stand on the precipice and dive off the cliff, you have to first get to a cliff. You can't be sitting in the sand safe and warm awaiting some ridiculous joy to find you there! Get to climbing! The higher you climb the farther you can fall, or the swifter you shall be caught up on the winds. This is far too abstract for me to give you a concrete example, because although I absolutely believe you need to really physically climb up something from time to time (trees, mountains, even stairs can do the trick), this is more so meant to be an internal hike.

There you are, your mind safe and secure, wallowing in the muck of comfort. Start shaking up the ground my friends! If you're not sure where to start, ask the Lord for some light. So often we get stuck there because the lights grow dim while we're resting, and it just isn't practical to start a journey in the dark - you have no idea where you're going or what you'll end up facing. But let us not stay at rest with these rationalities dictating our pace! If we have passion for life, let it explode to a passion for everything! If I really delighted that I could type on this computer.. well why not? I remember being in 7th grade and having to work at reading what came up on the screen in instant messenger instead of watching my hands on the keyboard. I also remember when I first picked up that guitar and strummed a G. Oh boy! God bless my roommates who patiently endured my practicing. Yet now, when my soul finds its home in the notes of that same instrument, am I stupefied that I am the one making the music? I should be!

Open up your eyes, your heart, your life. Ask for the light that enlightens every man to enlighten your internal eyes. Be blind not as the pharisees, on the inside, but to the world in its temptations. See with your heart instead. See with gratitude, thanksgiving, surprise and awe! I am amazed that this snow is STILL falling outside (second blizzard in a row), but I am also amazed that those trees haven't fallen on my apartment, since they have fallen on cars! I mean honestly, how can we desire the fire and passion of freedom-in-love if we do not practice loving things? It makes no sense that I will ascend the mountain of love if I have not learned how to walk on the rocky terrain and how to judge when my footing is sure or not. These skills come from the small day to day practices of gratitude in everything. I am grateful I am stuck inside! It has taken six days of this to place me in a state of mind where I can really reflect on who I am.

Do not fear the fire of love the Lord places within you. It will mean change - sometimes instantaneous and sometimes very slow - but do not try to control it! Allow him the room to move and work within you. We all have imaginations and can be creative and be full of hopes and dreams - but none of our own creations are going to be quite as full of love and freedom as his will for us. So let us get to climbing. As Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati said, "Verso l'alto!" (To the highest!)

Before the Face of Christ

I have nothing of anything worth saying.

I recently read something for class concerning St. Bernard of Clairvaux as a mystic and writer. The discussion was on his humility when approaching writing, how he managed to be detached and uncredited while at the same time being a learned and talented writer.

It made me think more about the journey of being little. I remember too vividly a time when I wanted all the recognition in the world for any achievement, however small or insignificant. I believe we all need to grow through a time of affirmation as we're attempting to define who we are and to be sure that there is "good" about us. However, it was refreshingly freeing when I realized that it was good to let go of your own honor or praise and allow others, and the Lord, to take the credit. It's certainly less stressful to not seek the attention.

Yet, that is just one step in a very tall journey. Beyond a simple "not needing to be the center of attention," there comes the awareness and settling in of reality, which is just how small you truly are. "Small" is hardly the word... tiny, little, worthless, broken, needy, empty, pitiful, pathetic, etc... and yet these are only somewhat true, because the awareness of this reality is in full conjunction with an awareness of your wonder before God. It is thus an affirmation and a let down, a let down within an affirmation, an affirmation of the let down and yet the let down is for the sake of the affirmation. You are instantaneously able to know that you are nothing so that you can be handed the something that you are. If you are not able to be so emptied and so poured out, you will never have room to receive what the Lord would pour in.

This is easily summed up in Guadiem et Spes 22, Christ "fully reveals man to himself." Cliche? Some might think so. Simple? Too profound to mean anything? No. Not in the least. It is that Jesus is the perfection of what man is meant to be, the "whole puzzle" of our many little pieces. His person contains and reveals all we are called to become. The title to be given to this fullness is none other than "Child." Who is Jesus, if not Son? Before he is God he is Son of the Father. He is the Word. Jesus' identity before the Incarnation and after is still God in the fullness of Divinity, one and the same with the Father and the Spirit, three in one, the Blessed Trinity. It is always risky to attempt to chat about the Trinity and hope to not leave oneself in heresy, but that's my goal - no heresy! Here goes: So within this beautiful and awe-inspiring existence of God as Father, Son and Spirit, each is known and named according to their relation to the other. God the Father is not and cannot be God the Son, nor the Son the Spirit, etc... they are all God, one and the same, yet each their own relation which cannot be removed or changed. Therefore, as Christ is the Son, and his very identity bound to his relation to the Father, does it not then follow that if he is the fullness of perfection for what man is called to be that man is thus called to be Child? Yes! We are not "sons and daughters of God" only because it sounds nice and fluffy. We are truly made into new creations through the waters of Baptism, and we emerge as a child of God through the redeeming work of Christ.

One of my favorite images to pray with is the Scripture passage concerning the wineskins. It reads as follows:

"Go and learn the meaning of the words, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' I did not come to call the righteous but sinners." Then the disciples of John approached him and said, "Why do we and the Pharisees fast (much), but your disciples do not fast?" Jesus answered them, "Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast. No one patches an old cloak with a piece of unshrunken cloth for ^{its fullness pulls away from the cloak and the tear gets worse.  People do not put new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise the skins will burst, the wine spills out, and the skins are ruined. Rather, they pour new wine into fresh wineskins, and both are preserved." Matt 9:13-17}

So often I think we are ready to tell Jesus who we think we are... we're certainly attempting to be prepared to tell our friends, our family, the world etc... And so we must, because we know very well that if we do not present a picture for others to name, to know how to call us, they will assign us one themselves, and what is worse than being forced to create ourselves is being named by others! At least we are somewhat aware of ourselves - others will simply label as they see fit.

Yet, this is not the correct way at all! True, we must come to know ourselves. That is vital. But to know ourselves is NOT to decide who we are according to the standards we're presented with, as if at a buffet table that we are being shoved along in a line "here, pick if you are punk or classical, smart or fun, but hurry up before we give you meatloaf." Rather, to know ourselves is above all to allow ourselves to be given. Now, don't go crazy pious on me and think I mean you must go wash all the dishes, give all your favorite clothes away and periodically beat yourself when no one is around! Those things are certainly well and good (well, some of them), but those are meant to come from a heart that is full, not one that is empty. But when we are the ones defining ourselves, we are terrifyingly empty. And we will never be enough. We cannot have what is needed to serve and fulfill others on our own. We won't even have enough to serve or fulfill ourselves. The only way to find ourselves, to "be given," is to receive ourselves from Christ. It is to-be-given-as-a-gift-from Him! We are to set ourselves before him and say, "Show me reality. Who am I to you? Who am I before you? Who am I to be? Why do you love me? What is there within me that keeps you faithful to me when I am so unfaithful to you?"

This is never easy because these questions are dealing with the Truth on a highly personal and forward basis, and that is the Truth in person, Christ the Lord. We are asking to know ourselves. That inevitably means we must be ready to know that we are broken, hurting, insufficient, etc... Yet, he does not love us because he has promised and so therefore, he stands by his promise. No, that is far too human a way of understanding him. He is passionate! He sees into our souls and he is set on fire! He wishes to be near us, yearns to hold us in his arms, is crying out to draw us close and rock us to sleep. He wants to whisper to us all night long his love, and to teach us all day who he has made us to be. His answer, when we ask, will be "you are mine." More than anything else, that truth and that reality exists on the highest plain and it is there that he draws us to. There are many other parts of us to be worked out as we allow him to bring to our minds the failings we need to work on along with the good things we need to be joyful in, but in the end his words of "remain in me" will echo the longest. This is the resounding beat that turns St. Paul's "resounding gong or a clashing cymbal" into beautiful music - the thrumming of a heart that has your name for it's beat. Those syllables dictate the pace.

So this is the delight of one found empty, because he can write you anew every day. He can edit you and fill you in until your pages are full of verses you never expected you could write and gifts of yourself you didn't even know you had to offer to others. And this is the hope of the one who awaits the new wineskin. Clothed anew as a child of God, you are free to take up his yoke of love and find that all the work and service and sacrifice of your every day life is actually part of a glorious love song that is working on filling the world until it's over flow has the rocks themselves singing out. You have no limits when you haven't given yourself any! You can discover love that you had no idea existed, and what is more is that you can reveal that love to others who will promptly drop their jaws! "You aren't definable... you aren't meatloaf and you didn't even get into the buffet line! What is it that gives you such freedom?" Jesus has called every soul to this delight of smallness, where the heart is able to climb the highest mountains and swim the widest seas. On the practical level, we all know what it feels like when you have nothing to lose. You aren't afraid of anything. You are particularly dangerous. There is no restriction because it's all been wiped away. This energy or freedom taken into the love of God is the most transforming power imaginable. It is actually unimaginable, and yet real. You allow yourself to lay down all of your thoughts, hopes, fears, dreams, ideals, ponderings, troubles, loved ones, etc... and you give them to him. And you trust. And you wait. And in the silence you let him speak. And you accept those words that he offers you, no matter what, because they are Love itself.

This is how we discover who we are, how Christ reveals to us little by little the perfect image we were created to fill. This is what we hope to encounter daily when we seek the face of Christ.

What is it about Writing?

I rarely have much wisdom to pass on, and what wisdom I do share is an unintentional discovery via a gift of revelation, which could be restated as 'God planted it in my brain and so I thought it'. I do not mean to make God a puppeteer, but to insist on his wisdom being the only wisdom I ever have a part in.

But on the less abstract, let us speak of writing for a moment.
It is beyond a doubt the most theraputic activity I can conceive (excluding singing, which is the verbalization of something written.) It is perhaps too obvious a point to state the following system, but I will state it anyway:
Man lives in chaos, but finds peace in God.
Man discovers God's way of living to be the only fulfilling way of living.
Man discovers that in imitating God's being, he is more himself than at any other time.
Man realizes God creates through his Word, who is a person, his Son.
Man desires to partake in this Word, and to learn from the Son how to be the best man he can be.
Man seeks to imitate the Word, and discovers that though he cannot create or make as God does (which is ex nihilo, from nothing), he can create or make from something. Thus, man speaks words as well.
Man then realizes the power of speaking words, and also writing words. Man can create a reality (false or true) in his words. If he seeks to remain in true words, to say and to write true things, man finds greater understanding and peace with God.

Maybe that is far too complicated for simply saying that in writing, we imitate our Creator, and through that imitation discover more about the authentic truth of what it means to be a human person.

Either way, I cannot resist the opportunity to write something, even when it means nothing at all. It is similar to the moments after a snow fall.
There in your back yard is a vast expanse (or perhaps a small one) covered in unadultered, even and nearly breathless snow. What else could you desire than to immediately go into it for the sake of saying something? Of course, most people will not ever think they are going to romp in the snow to "say" something to the world. Yet, that is my desire. I want to step in the pristine in hopes of taking on some of its magic. I want to lay in the places where no mark has been made, to discover what my mark is. We cannot be the explorers who were able to claim large sections of the earth for their king and country and name it what they pleased. So instead, I will at least know the feeling of discovering something that no one has ever laid eyes on but for myself, and I will be able to know what it is like to stand before it and know if for itself, and be known by it as I am.

That is the freedom of writing. After you have written, you might go back and read over it and think how very stupid you must be. You may, on the other hand, be pleasantly surprised at your intelligence. Perhaps you will not even bother to reread, knowing no one else will be reading it anyway. Yet, varied reactions aside, you have discovered that what is intangible within you (your mind, your heart, your soul) has just made an external and tangible debut! What a thought. You are an artist, in that you have said something.

I always recall Tolkien's The Silmarillion when I dwell on this mystery. He explains the world as being created through music, the sounds calling forth things from nothing. This is a somewhat blatant analogy for the Christian, who has been taught that God created through his Word, but somehow it does make sense to the human heart. We all know that a masterpiece can be made by a composer, as well as an author, or painter or a sculptor. Why? Each takes what is within himself and creates something outside himself that is indelibly marked with his own person. It may be wholly unlike the person or their tastes or even their affinities, but they created it none the less. Long after that person has passed away, others will see it and attempt to deduce what the creator might have been like, or what they were thinking as they worked. So it is with writing. We leave a print of our hearts. It may be wholly different from what the snapshot would reveal even ten minutes later, but as it is, there is a glimpse into our beings that cannot be erased.

I must ponder at the structure of our education. We learn the alphabet, the sounds that accompany the letters and their combinations, the correct spellings of words that do not follow the rules, etc... yet, how often are we told the purpose of the lesson? I cannot recall a teacher sitting us down and explaining that these tools are to be the cornerstones of our educational palaces. No one enforced the need to be able to possess the tools to create the works. I can specifically remember my distaste for alphabetizing words in third grade. Every morning we would have a list to put in order, and even then I was sensible to the idea of "busy work." Only much later in life did I recognize the gift of being able to access systems across so many fields by a simple structure that is nearly universal. Why my teacher did not bother to tell us we would be using this tool for the rest of our lives is beyond me, but I cannot help but ache for the many who do not realize the gift and necessity of language. I am poorly educated compared to the many who can move in and out of multiple languages, in and out of musical notes and the color spectrum and integers and equations, but at least the effectiveness of the gifts I have received will not go wasted.

To write, simply for the sake of saying something, is perhaps silly and even obnoxious. There are many who would turn the nose up at such a use of time. I myself tend to be irritated when I discover I have been speaking for no reason, for no one is listening, and those who are do not care. Yet, there are and will always be times when it is good to speak all the same. It is necessary to sing at times - especially when it is dark, cold, lonely or frightening. Song is the light, the warmth, the companionship and the otherness that is demanded when facing such evils. Just so, it is necessary to write or to speak at times, for we cannot go away from it without having learned something about ourselves, God and life. If nothing else, it is an avenue to humility that will always bring us back to the worship of God, whose Word is life to our senseless and limp voice.

Memory

It is the season of Advent in the Church, and we are called to consider the waiting period of Mary, Joseph and the whole world for the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

My thought is a simple one.

The word "anamnesis" is used by Plato for "recollection" or "remembrance." For the Christian, this word takes on new meaning in light of Christ's words in the Gospels, "This is my body, which will be given for you; do this in memory of me" (Lk. 22:17). Every celebration of the Eucharist is a remembering of Christ's sacrifice and the salvation offered to all mankind through his Body and Blood in the Church.

This is, perhaps, obvious. But to draw the idea a bit further, consider how memory is ever present with us. Day by day, every instance and occurance continues and builds within you. You cannot eradicate anything that has passed by, for time does not obey our wills. So as we grow and develop, especially cognitively speaking, that which we remember becomes more a more a part of our being.

We will find ourselves recollecting fond memories as we grow older, revisiting times and places that hold special significance. In particular, we hold fast to memories of people when they are not able to be present to us in the immediate time.

In practicality, I find my mind lingering on childhood fun, on words and moments my parents had with me, on periods of intense joy with friends and on many moments of immense challenge or change in my life. My mission trips to Ethiopia and Jamaica, my time spent living in Gaming, Austria, my time working in New York last year, my friends who I loved so dearly in college but who I have not kept in touch with... these memories allow me to revisit my old feelings, the lasting impression of those moments, but also to renew the feelings in the here and now, to reassure myself of the reality of those times, places and people.

Specifically love. This is the hallmark of what I am considering. When I was dating someone who lived states away, there were certainly times that I felt I must be making up the reality of the relationship. Likewise, when my closest friends live states away, there are times when communication on the phone or through messages just isn't enough to provide clear and concrete evidence of their affection and love.

This is the epitome of what Christ is inferring when he says that we must remember him. It is more than we can really articulate, because it happens in the part of the mind that is not really controllable by our intellect. There is a memory of his love that is stamped into our souls, a memory that lasts beyond all intelligence, because it was created when we were created. Cognitively, we were not aware of God's love in an intelligible way until we were five, six, seven years old. But in our essences we have known him from the time his hands were fashioning us out of nothing. We cannot call ourselves forth, nor create ourselves. We exist, we are, and that is all. No matter how hard we try, there is no possible way for us to will ourselves into being. As such, there is this imprint that holds us.

We remember what is lasting and deep, and this aids us in transending from what we cannot see with our physical eyes to what we must know with our hearts. No, we may not be able to be held in Christ's arms and feel the safety and peace and joy of his love. Yet, in our memory it is so, and as we remember his love it is made real and present to us.

This is what I believe our season of Advent is meant to be. Memory made alive in our hearts. Who he is, and what he has said, and what he has done. The God of the world made human, the mystery of the Incarnation, the joy of the Nativity, the Word of God, the Lamb of God, alive in the womb of Mary and now given to us in the flesh through the Eucharist.

So let us remember who Jesus is. Let us meditate on his words in Scripture, on his holy life and the miracles and teachings he gave. Let us also allow him to bring up his memory in our hearts - to reveal to us the many times he has been with us in this life, most especially when it would seem that he has not. Let us seek to deepen the foundation of faith, with every opportunity of being united with him, body, blood, soul and divinity. Let our anamnesis lead us to strong conviction of the love he has for us. His love has been eternal and will forever be. So memory spans all time and will forever go on. We cannot forget that he is always present and will be with us forever.

The Important Questions

Remember those wonderful moments when you wanted to shout "eureka! I have it!" and run around rejoicing in your classroom? No? Perhaps you did, or perhaps you just wanted school to end as soon as possible.
I can't honestly remember too many times when I shared in the sentiments of awe and surprise at understanding something that had eluded me for a time, but there was one triumphant moment I recall.

Like all good literary-musical-type people, I can barely add in my head, and anything with the world "algebra" in it is akin to reading Chinese (because, being literary, languages with letters such as German or Spanish are foreign, but not so hard. A language with symbols is just like math! Numbers are supposed to mean things that they don't mean... ah!). Anyway, I was in a "graphing calculator" class in high school, and although I never learned how to program in the formulas to make my life easy (no wonder everyone else got good grades and I was just sitting there stupidly, lol), I DID learn how to make programs :).

So, while (as I said) all the other students were putting their time to good use by programming in the formulas to get through the tests, I was busy creating programs that asked questions about teachers or students we all knew and then gave you a few different answers to choose from, all of which were rather funny.
So we would pass my "calculator quizzes" aroung the room and enjoy giggling while my teacher was trying to be serious (which she was ALWAYS successful at!).

I will openly admit that every time I managed to make something on that calculator I was shocked. I just couldn't understand how it worked! Yet, there I was managing to achieve some small greatness. 

So what is it about a moment of eureka! that makes it so lasting in our memory? I was sixteen when I learned how to program quizzes... seven years later I still remember the excitement and pleasure I had then.
I believe that part of the stunning branding of these experiences is that one of the important questions has been discovered.

Yes, I said that a question had been discovered, not answered.

I believe many of the most important questions do not ever become "answered" in our lives. These are the on-going questions - the ones that need time to grow with us because they are pivotal, if not intrinsic, to our self-discovery.

Now, how does learning how to program a calculator affect my self-discovery? This experience was answering many questions internally, even though objectively that was not my purpose. Questions such as, "am I able?", "where are my boundaries?", "what are my limits?", "am I good enough?", "am I intelligent enough?", in fact, "am I enough?". These small tests of the person throughout life are constantly going back to our deeper consciousness. Although we often do not think of it, even something as simple as writing on a blog and finding that we have accomplished a statement we felt needed to be made... that can lead to a far deeper analysis and awareness of our inner heart and mind.

It is most imporant that we ask these questions. Even if we are not taking the time to integrate the answers and analyze our results in light of our self-discovery, we need to slow down enough to ask the questions.
Why? Who? How? What? These should fit into everything... why are we here? Who are we? What is our purpose? How do our actions affect us? How do we affect others? How does the world affect us? Why do we affect each other? Is there a reason for everything? What is the reason for anything? Is there an ultimate cause? What is our final end? How did we come into existence? Are others necessary? Is it necessary that we experience all of this world? Is it necessary for others that we exist? Is it necessary for us that others exist? Etc...

The list can go on and on, but those are the kind of internal questions that can and should be running along within us when we are doing anything. Even when we aren't doing anything. Even if we are simply being. Perhaps more when we are simply being.

We will find ourselves the subjects of eureka! moments more and more when we realize that they are not only single moments which we recall in fond memory, but on-going processes which we will perhaps never see the end of. Even as we are old and reaching our ends, I am sure we will be shocked to discover things about ourselves and the world that we just "understand" all of a sudden. And we will hopefully always find ourselves wondering how we didn't see that fact before, or know that truth, only to be more aware that there is always more truth to uncover.