Empty and Beautiful

Of late I have been struck with the immense blessings in my life. Many things I have received undeserved and even unlooked for. I certainly have not merited some of the gifts that have been given.

I was praying during the graduation mass for my school in thanksgiving to the Lord for an accomplishment that I am still slightly in disbelief over, and I cannot explain the emptiness of my being. It was joyful, and free. It was an emptiness that began in sorrow but ended in life. It was a miniature death of the self. I recognized many things in a few moments of prayer about my own littleness. I felt, very dramatically, my mortality and all of its frailty. Simultaneously, I sensed the power that is God's presence in our lives. I knew His strength in a new way. I saw in the Eucharist the true Bread that is Life for the world. I sensed how absolutely in need of the food of God I was, above and beyond all other forms of nourishment. I understood that though my stomach might hunger, my soul hungered in a way that was stronger and louder. I do not know if I have ever sensed the same level of poverty within myself that I did at that mass.

I beg us to consider poverty anew. Poverty does not need to be a material state, although I believe very firmly that if one is in a material state of poverty it is easier to reach a spiritual state of poverty. Yet, what does it mean to be "poor in spirit"? The Lord said that those who were poor in spirit were "blessed" and that "theirs is the kingdom of heaven." There is much to think on here. The Lord could easily mean both an earthly poverty and a spiritual one, and he could also easily have meant both an earthly experience of the Kingdom and the Heavenly one. For those who live a life here on this earth understanding their own meekness before the King, their indebtedness to their Father, will certainly be living a life that testifies to the Kingdom while on earth. Likewise, those who live that form of humility will most certainly be close to the Kingdom of Heaven when it is their time to depart from this life. We would not deny that this is what we receive in the Eucharist each day, and what the many readings surrounding the Eucharist during the Easter Season emphasize; we receive the Lord, the Giver of Life. We receive the Bread of Life.

St. John recounts the Bread of Life Discourse in Chapter 6, saying:
"So Jesus said to them, 'Amen, amen, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave the bread from heaven; my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is that which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.' So they said to him, 'Sir, give us this bread always.'

Jesus said to them, 'I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me will never hunger, and whoever believes in me will never thirst'" (6:32-35). 

It seems so simple, I think many of us (especially in our contemporary culture) do not know how to receive such an invitation. Was this not the fault and crime of the pharisees of Christ's own time? They were blinded by their expectations, by what they were accustomed to. They could not bring themselves to learn a new way of life, to accept a new teaching. Yet, we have the invitation to let go of our former sight. We have the invitation to ask that we might be able to see, like the blind man who pursues Jesus until he is healed. We have the invitation to ask to be able to receive that which is being offered. Christ's own disciples said that his teaching was hard. Further into John's Gospel Christ informs them that his very flesh and blood is the life that he offers them:

"'I am the bread of life. Your ancestors ate the manna in the desert, but they died; this is the bread that comes down from heaven so that one may eat it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven; whoever eats this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give is my flesh for the life of the world.'

The Jews quarreled among themselves, saying, 'How can this man give us (his) flesh to eat?'

Jesus said to them, 'Amen, amen, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I have life because of the Father, so also the one who feeds on me will have life because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven. Unlike your ancestors who ate and still died, whoever eats this bread will live forever.'

Then many of his disciples who were listening said, 'This saying is hard; who can accept it?'

Since Jesus knew that his disciples were murmuring about this, he said to them, 'Does this shock you?'" (6:48-61)

Where do we begin to consider this? Christ raises an immense challenge, and yet, a beautiful invitation. "Does this shock you?" Perhaps we can assume that after God has given so much to us, our very beings over to us, we should not be surprised that He would feed us with His own flesh. Yet, our natural sensibilities seem to be repulsed at the concept. Not only is the idea strange to us, but the fact that Jesus explains this gift while being alive, and neither His flesh nor His blood being poured out yet, make it hard to understand. Yet, consider his words! "The one who feeds on me will have life because of me." 

This is the key to living in the Kingdom while still on earth! This is the secret to poverty of spirit, to being little and knowing our indebtedness. This is where we take up our cross of indentured servitude and simultaneously receive the adopted sonship given to us in Christ! It is feeding on Him, truly taking His life into ours, that enables us to see with true sight, and receive and understand all that the Lord gives to us while on earth. 

This is why the joy of blessings in life must come hand in hand with the sorrows and pains. One cannot truly understand what a gift life itself is if he does not know the truth of death. Once we realize what we have been ransomed from, what true mercy it is that we have been preserved, we can truly rejoice. God's gift to his children is that simple. We have but to acknowledge our lowliness and be thankful for it all the same. We have but to offer thanks, to celebrate that we do not have to merit our salvation, this true life, for we could never do so. No, we have been purchased at a cost, the price of the Life of the Son of God. In Him we are set free, free to live in Him and love according to His love. This ought to be our strength and drive for every minor death to self or death to sin that we suffer throughout each day. To join in the kenosis, the self-emptying, the pouring out that Christ made on our behalf; this is to know what eternal life is like while still on earth! 

O Burden, Why art thou?

Silly weight of the world, get off my shoulder!

You know, between the readings of mass emphasizing things such as persistence and humility and obedience and conversion and all of the personal aspects of my crazy life, I felt it was a good time to reflect on how to handle the weight of the world.

 

I think I'll call it a spiritual irony that I read "The Diary of a Country Priest" this semester as part of a book forum for my graduate studies. I will post an entire reflection on this book because it may be in my top five favorite of all time. However, as usual, I have no time and should be working on a 20 page paper. Yippee.  

I truly think that most people will find when reading this book (which I implore you to do) that they read their own hearts within the priest's story. His miserable littleness, and often thwarted works made him so severely aware of his failings. He simply seems to not possess any of the needed talents for being good at what he has set his life to do (serving his little community). 

Yet, they did not cause him to despair. In fact, he seems to become more reckless than ever as he realizes how little any good fruit that came was of him. 

Huh? You might ask. 

We need to be like this. Our hearts have to look at this (very sick) amount of work we have to do and just smile. For me it's the laundry list of reading and writing, along with all those pesky chores like feeding myself that never seem to go away. The thing is, it is not us who accomplish things. We try, we give our effort, even when our effort is minimal... but the Lord is the one who accomplishes. 

Some of my favorite Scripture passages that have been dancing around in my head concerning this are as follows:

"O LORD, you mete out peace to us, for it is you who have accomplished all we have done." - Isaiah 26:12

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; have faith also in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be. Where (I) am going you know the way." - Jn. 14:1-4

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts. For just as from the heavens the rain and snow come down And do not return there till they have watered the earth, making it fertile and fruitful, Giving seed to him who sows and bread to him who eats, So shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth; It shall not return to me void, but shall do my will, achieving the end for which I sent it." - Isaiah 55:8-11

The Gospel today was about the servants who were given certain gold coins and then who gave the master more on his return or the unfortunate one who buried the coin. It isn't really "suggested" or even "highly recommended" that we open our hands and trust that the Lord will fill them. That is the only way we can be a healthy part of the Body of Christ. I'm renewing the Consecration to Mary through the preparation of St. Louis de Montfort and today the reflection covered the apostles going to Jesus and saying, "Lord, teach us to pray as John taught his disciples." The humility present here, or perhaps more specifically, the child-like virtue, struck me deeply. I mean, really, how often do I think "I wish I knew how to pray"? Not too often, to be honest. But in response to such simple honesty, Christ gives such a gift! He tells them, "When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread and forgive us our sins for we ourselves forgive everyone in debt to us, and do not subject us to the final test" (Lk 11:1-4). 

Please be struck with me! 'Hey, Jesus, how do you pray? What are we supposed to say? You tell us that the pharisees are being hypocritical, but that is all we've ever seen. What is the right way? How do we approach God?' And Christ says, 'Call him your Father. Honor and worship him. Be humble. Be his children. Yearn for the coming of his kingdom. Trust that he will give you all you need. Be contrite and ask forgiveness and forgive each other. Ask him to spare you and protect you from evil.' Seriously? 

Between God giving us graces/gifts/virtues/talents that we are meant to share and serve with (but not that we earn or merit - they are gifts!) and being taught to pray in a way that is an intimate and daily journey through life with God as Father, how could we ever get so wrapped up that we think things depend on us?? Oh, but we do! We do so very often. I know I do. And then the stress, the anxiety, the fear.. it eats us alive. I can't sleep on Sunday nights because every Monday there's that worry about all that must be accomplished. Really? I mean, we DO have to use what we are given and put our whole energies into things, I'm certainly not advocating laziness! But the difference is the peace in our hearts, and the peace in our hearts is regulated by our self awareness of God's perfect Love and mercy or our failure to acknowledge his power and goodness. He's either perfect love or he isn't. He's either all powerful or he isn't. He either humbled himself to shed his blood on a cross in Jerusalem 2,000 years ago so that we could live one day forever with him, or he didn't. Since I'm holding here that he DID, I think it's fair to say that it isn't up to us. The Lord will always provide, we need to go before him in faith. We need to humbly trust. We need to never lose hope.

One last word of Scripture for encouragement - 

"The eyes of the LORD are upon those who love him; he is their mighty shield and strong support, A shelter from the heat, a shade from the noonday sun, a guard against stumbling, a help against falling. He buoys up the spirits, brings a sparkle to the eyes, gives health and life and blessing." - Sirach 34:16-17

So get that dirt off your shoulder and keep your eyes fixed on Him.

It's all about Love.

You know those funny Christian songs that repeat things a lot and seem to say very little other than that God is good and we love him? Sometimes, I need those songs. Their purpose is a feeling more than developed lyrics. Sometimes they offer one profound thought, or one focus for your heart, and the rest of the time you are just being kept on track while you allow that single idea to settle and take root in you. Songs like "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord"... not that much of a new concept. But when you listen to the whole song, you understand the basic theme of praising God, in the good and bad times. Or "Lay it Down".. even more simple. You surrender yourself and your life to God. That's the crux, and the whole song. The songs that are a few short lines that find themselves repeated are often the ones that most swiftly lead you to true worship. You aren't worrying about following the notes all over the staff, and you aren't concerned with the words that are coming up either; simply, you enter into prayer. 

Now, please don't misunderstand me, I am a critic of music. Especially certain types, which I will not get into here. And likewise there are certain forms that I am very devoted to. The bands I love most are those that I find ingenious - those whose lyrics turn simple thoughts and phrases upside down or inside out, and allow me to think about life in new ways. I love poetry, and I love thinking outside of the box. I love imagery and analogy. The bands that run along these lines are those that I truly enjoy. However, that does not mean that each genre of music does not have it's place. I love jazz, and classical, and orchestra and latin chorus and punk and rock and boy bands and girls who sing their hearts out... each in their own place. When I need to get out some frustration, I will go run to my fun/angry/punky/yell-about-life songs. And when I need to be quiet and find peace, or even more importantly, pray, the Christian songs that are "worshipful" are the best. 

That being said, when I write a song that is in that style of worship-music, I get excited. I love repetition, when it is good. However, often when I go back I find myself disappointed with the music because it seems so tame or emotionless. That is when I recall that the purpose was for me to get over myself and into a place of communication and prayer, a place where I can thank God for life specifically in the form of music. In that case, I can't allow my annoyance that this song is nowhere near the symphony I feel God actually deserves. He wants to embrace us. Some people, I know, do not find music in anyway prayerful or worshipful, and these "Christian songs" are the worst. That's fine. I have found them to be excellent ways for me to pray, especially when I am with friends or family and can praise together. 

So here are some lyrics that were running through my head today. Granted, you can't hear the music (because I'm not going to put it on youtube right now.. I'm supposed to be writing a 10 page paper, haha), so you don't know the melody and that is part of the experience. But as it is, I wanted to put the words down. I wrote the song a few years ago, and periodically it just gets stuck in my head. 

We stand before your body.

We stand before your blood.

What gift could ever measure up

to the Love that you are?

So take my heart, it's all I have.

Take my faith, it's in your hands.

Take my life, all of my heart,

Take my fears and show me you.

We stand before your body,

and we stand before your blood.

What gift will ever measure up

to the Love that you are?

Take my heart, it's all I have.

Take my faith, it's in your hands.

Take my life, all of my heart, 

Take my fears and show me you.

Behold the body of Christ.

Behold, the God of the universe.

Behold the King of the world.

Behold, the Lamb who was slain.

If all that I am,

Would be only yours.

What could I fear?

What could I fail to love?

I'll be very honest here, I love music and poetry. I love words. I'm not always good at them though. Sometimes it comes very easily, and sometimes I feel like I can't find that natural rhythm that is usually there. But when I do find the current that is running inside of my veins and allow myself to float along its course, I usually find myself surprised at how simple it all is. Sometimes I want to be able to develop something truly literarily spectacular, but I understand that if what inspires me is sitting still in a tree or by myself somewhere, I'm probably going to reflect the simplicity of my inspiration. And once again, I'm just not a genius. :)

So anyway, go read St. John the Beloved, St. John Chrysostom, St. Therese of Lisieux, or any other of those wonderful saints whose poetry is truly gripping if you need something beautiful to mull over. In fact, read John Paul II, especially The Jeweler's Shop, a play he wrote. 

But take time to allow things to settle inside of you. I cannot tell you how often I need to slow myself down to hear my heart beat before I carry on with life. I see myself running off like the little four year old I was, getting lost in the mall because I forgot to look at where my mom was going, I was so intent on getting to whatever temptation the toy store may have held. Nothing has really changed. Deadlines, papers, friends, "fun," etc... the things that demand my time and effort and energy and presence begin to get me running toward them too fast, much too fast. Then I arrive and realize I left "me" behind. That is a terrible feeling, realizing you didn't bring the real "you" along because you were in too much of a rush. Give yourself time to breathe, to think, to discover, to wonder, to be. 

Allow the world to present to you its gifts. The dawn awaits your eyes, awaits your heart. Those pinks and purples and blues are painting the clouds and buildings and that ever-so-gentle sunlight is peaking over the horizon, hoping to meet your eager gaze. But where are you? Staring at the jerk in front of you who just cut you off in the four lane highway that you aren't getting anywhere fast on? (That would be my life.) The dawn is still there, right in front of your eyes. Do you want to see it? Will you allow it to bring its beauty before you? Gosh! How often this world, and PEOPLE, come before us, offering us their goodness. How often your coworkers have some small personal achievement in the day that is truly worthy of your appreciation. Although it may have been a minute task, they preformed it with the beauty that only they could bring to it. How often my coworker's issues mean little to me. What they have to offer goes overlooked because I can't slow down. 

Let us take some time to stand before life. Before God. Before others. Before ourselves. Who are you? Who is the Lord? Who are these people in your life? What is this life? Why do you do anything that you do? We never want to bother to ask these questions because the worst fear might just come to be true - that we aren't doing it for love, but because we are slaves. We cannot bear to live that way. It is a half-life. God has set us free. Free from sin and free from a world that would teach us that love isn't real, or isn't to be trusted. How foolish. God is the only true and eternal thing, the one who holds all of life in place, and we would believe that he is a fantasy or fictitious, just so that we don't have to face the pain that is entailed in love. What are we thinking? Pain is because we need to grow. Love is because we are. Love is how we are. To be should be to love. If that is not our life, we must find ways to make it our life.  Nothing else is going to satisfy! Nothing is truly enough, other than what is real love. We will always feel incomplete without Him. Even when we do pray and do strive to love, we face satan's temptations and the world's lies, teaching us to distrust the goodness and faithfulness of our Father. How often I am still tempted to disappointment and loneliness because I listen to the lies instead of the truth! The more we are in the habit of putting ourselves somewhere where we can be still and quiet, and truly pray, the more we will be able to weed out the truth from the lies, and hear only the voice we should hear. The only voice that speaks in love.

I'll end with my favorite image of all time. I've placed it on this blog before, but the face of love never gets old.

Amen.

Feminism, part II

I know I wrote something on feminism back in the day, and I recall rereading it a few months back and thinking I was an idiot. So I may do that again. But as it is, I have a head and heart for the topic. I have a brief thought, and that's all:

"Feminism is the exact opposite of what it is meant to be; where women think themselves liberated, they are rather chained to one option- that of always choosing themselves. This, as history has revealed, is contrary to the very nature of woman, who has always possessed the capacity to give of herself to bring about greatness, most especially obvious in her ability to give life. And so 'feminism' destroys the true feminine nature."


This should seem clear, if common sense is being applied. 


Ask the questions. What is woman? What is feminine? What is proper to her as a feminine woman? If you can't come up with good answers, or answers that bring clarity, than ask the opposing questions. What is man? What is masculine? What makes a woman different from a man? What makes man different from woman? What are their distinct and unique characteristics? 


In our culture today, sadly, there don't seem to be a lot of straightforward answers to these questions. Ambiguity for the sake of equality rules. But has it ever struck you that being "equal" does not mean being the same?! Let's be very basic here - a cup of sugar. "Equal" to eight fluid ounces. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but sugar is a solid. So somehow a liquid and a solid are equal. But they're very different in their nature. 


Man and woman... very different in their nature. This does not create inequality! And we do not need to continually homogenize the genders to create one equal person without sexual difference. Sexuality is a part of the person. A woman has a sexuality that is completely different from another woman's and from a man's. That's why we are born with different bodies, different hormone levels, different metabolisms, etc... Our unique person cannot be understood outside of the aspect of humanity that is gender. This is what culture would have us do - reduce ourselves beyond that pesky issue of sexuality. If there's no sexuality to worry about, there can't be consequences to worry about either. Isn't this obvious! It's a cop-out. A nice blanket to throw over the mess that's been made by attitudes of "free love" and sexual promiscuity that have lead to so many people suffering from diseases, loss of loved ones, broken hearts, misunderstood attractions, abortions, contraceptives, and all that comes with this mentality. Can't fix the problem? Well then, just ignore it. It will go away. 


But it doesn't! Because we're humans. We are people. We love. We have so much more to us than what can be reduced and explained away! We should never treat ourselves with such little appreciation, as to reduce ourselves to a place where our sexuality doesn't matter. I can say very honestly there have been so many times in my life where I felt that life would be so much easier if I did not have such "girly" attributes. Emotional highs and lows, all the competition that comes to us as young women in a culture like ours, the demands on us to be a certain way to receive attention and love, etc... Why not just be a guy? Or better yet, not have emotions at all? Why let anything influence me or touch me? It seems to only incur pain.


But there you have the crux of the issue - once again - to avoid pain, suffering, and the things we can't make sense of, we have to run away from them. Yet, they chase us down. We can't escape them, even with our technology. We can't escape them even with our intelligence and great medical developments. We can't escape them because they are part of our nature, our very being. Sure, medicine can allow for men to be pregnant, for women to conceive from a petri dish, for people to change their gender physically. This doesn't change the unique person they were created to be! Gay or straight, man or woman, transgender or bisexual or any other state you can come up with... we all have one origin and one home. 


The good news is the Christ! The only real answer anyone who is struggling or suffering should hear is that Jesus loves them. Not the peace-and-love crap that has pretty wrapping but nothing inside. I'm speaking of the truth. The Truth. He is a person and He is personal. He loves to the point of shedding blood for his beloved. This is no joke. We are so far removed from his mercy! We can't imagine his forgiveness! We can't imagine that he would still love us! And we don't even imagine that He is real because (once again, our cultural situation) we don't meet him on a daily basis to know that he is real or that he loves us. I mean honestly, if you grew up in public school and you never heard a prayer, who on earth could convince you that Jesus and his message were true? Why would it make sense that a God infinitely loving and perfect would care about you? Would care enough to come to earth to give his life that one day you would hear of his love and want to love him in return? Oh America! No wonder we fear suffering so much! We pretend we've conquered death and then put all of our elderly in homes so no one has to be faced with the truth that age hits and we die. We pretend we've eliminated God from the picture because we can create new human life in a petri dish. Wake up! No wonder we're afraid of pain, of suffering! No wonder we won't face the consequences of our actions. Sin incurs a debt. Sin brings about hurt. It is a break from the love that God offers us, from our relationship with him. If we don't know that He loves us anyway, that he constantly calls us back, that he is faithful a million times that we are not, that he forgives us EVERY time we return truly repentant and with the will to amend our lives - well then, of course we would think it's a hopeless cause. 


But life isn't a hopeless cause and God's mercy is unending because he is perfect love. Read the Scriptures. Just open the Bible. His love will seep in and you won't be able to close your eyes to the truth. A hungry heart is necessary, and we're all starving for a love that gives life instead of death, that offers hope in a weary world. He is Life, Hope, Truth and Love. 


And this is the message that must be proclaimed in this world of gender-neutral treatment. I want to reclaim my feminine nature! I want people to know that by being a woman, there is a mystery about my person that is unique and special because it shares in the feminine mystery. Likewise, I want to look at every man and understand that there is a unique mystery in his person because he is masculine. Where do you even read those words anymore? Kids probably have to go to wikipedia to find out what that is. 


I am all for true feminism, because right now I don't think anyone can be accused of chauvinism or feminism. It's just straight androgynism (chuckle at the play on words later). The point is that there must be a reclaiming of an ultimate truth of personhood, a salvaging of a gender specific anthropology, if we are to ever understand the nature of ourselves and each other. I cannot bear to see so many men and women suffering because they have never been taught the inherent, innate and intrinsic (I love those words) beauty that comes simply from being born a man or a woman. We are equal, but different! Equal in the sense of human value and dignity, in a worth given to us by our being created in God's image and likeness. No matter what religion or non-religion you are, in the end, these natural truths are inevitable because they are prior to your existence. God does in fact create you. Therefore, like it or not, you will have to face that he has created us in a beautiful order, and in that order we find the truth that sets us free. This freedom is one for another, to give ourselves to God, to our brothers and sisters, to our families and friends, etc... A necessary and vital part of this order is that there is a gender difference that allows men and women to give themselves to one another in a marital union that is biologically and ontologically designed to be in the masculine-feminine complimentary structure. 

In the end, just read the Gospels. One will never find a lack of knowledge or truth that reveals the essence and purpose of being in this world when encountering Christ. Jesus is the fullness and perfection of mankind, the God-made-man who reveals to us God's perfect plan of love for humanity.