Hold it!

Sometimes the first thing I want to do is close my eyes. Turn off my ears. Hold very still. Listen, but with my other senses. My skin. My heart. The blood pumping in my ears.


What do I learn? What discoveries are made?


There seems to me a rather wide gap between what is selfish and what is self-aware. The bridge that is built between these two needs to be kept by a wise gatekeeper. Yet, I find that it is sometimes much harder to pass to Mnt. Self-Aware than it is to laze on Selfish Island.


There is a bit of wisdom tucked away in the need to be aware of oneself, wisdom that opens some rather challenging doors of self-gift.


It is often remarked upon that the small things within your closest friends or family members that irritate you or draw your disdain are often the very things within yourself that need to be amended. We don't always (or even often) appreciate the truth of our own weaknesses or failures flung in our faces. It is not very consoling to be so reminded of the things we must struggle with.


Yet, how can we be a "one-who-gives," when we are not a "one-who-knows"? You cannot give what you do not have, and you cannot adequately give what you do not know you have.


Let me be more practical for a moment; if I want to be a good soccer player, I must first practice many hours and train so that I know I have the skills to offer to my team or future team. If I wish to sing I must train and stretch myself so that I know what skills I bring to a song. If I want to be a friend, I need to know myself in order to know my own opinions, thoughts, dreams, desires, etc... which I can than offer to my friend.


In essence, we cannot reasonably approach relationship with others if we do not first have an awareness, or a relationship, with ourselves. How can I relate to another if it is not first from myself? Likewise, how could I receive the gift of another (be that a kind word, some good advice, a listening ear, or any other shared experience with a friend) if I do not understand how to receive it, or where to apply it?


I suppose this seems funny, or at least obvious. Yet, I find that our culture is an open invitation to distraction. I have been known from time to time to say that I have ADD tendencies, but I know that is not true. What I do know is that many people struggle to be "present" to day to day tasks, to coworkers, friends, family, shopping, driving, etc... because we do not have the experience of practicing stillness. We do not have endless hours of quiet, or even one hour. We do not have days without entertainment, or even moments. We do not have to wait very long for anything, and when we do, we are either impatient or distracted.


Sometimes I like to imagine what it must have been like for those first American pioneers who settled a bit further west into the country. No electricity, just oil lamps and fire wood. In the winters, especially in the areas where heavy snows are, there must have been little to no venturing out, especially for women and children. A house the size of a small room, with two, three, four, five, or more people sitting inside. For months. Without being able to leave. Can you even stand the feeling that is creeping over you thinking about that? I think I would be crazy in the first few days!


Yet, for whatever struggles and failures and pains that type of living must have been, those who endured it most certainly obtained certain virtues we, as a culture, do not value or posses. For whatever the suffering, those who lived in such simplistic ways certainly had the strength of mind to hold their attention for long periods of time. I can only imagine that they were experts in various skills and trades, for all the time they would have devoted to practice and improvement.


I am not trying to advocate for cutting off water supplies and trying to recreate the 1800s, but I am admiring what I know I need to learn from them.


It is a skill that I find most needed when in prayer, when communication is at it's "least explicit" or at least not the typical form of conversing. I do not get phone calls or skype messages or facebook inboxes or texts from the Lord. I have to find somewhere quiet, peaceful, and secluded when I want to speak with Him. I have to still my mind from it's 6,000 mile and hour runs. I have to breathe. I have to close my eyes to the craziness of life around me and turn off my ears. I have to come to myself, come to know who I am, and I have to be honest with that knowledge before the Lord.


One of the reasons I believe so firmly that this type of stillness needs to be practiced more and not given up or forgotten is because there is so much we still need to discover about ourselves! I never leave a time of prayer and peaceful communication with the Lord and am not surprised by some level of knowledge or insight or confidence in myself that I did not know before. Blessed Pope John Paul II wrote in Gaudium et Spes, "Christ...fully reveals man to man himself and makes his supreme calling clear...[and] that man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself" (22-24). 


This is the integral and immediate point: that when we enter a certain stillness and allow ourselves to be aware, we come to know both the Lord and ourselves much more certainly. Likewise, this knowledge gained enables us to simultaneously love the Lord, our neighbor and ourselves more fully. It is always easier to be patient and sincere with a friend when we know someone else was just patient and sincere with us. It is also always easier to forgive a friend or make great efforts to help a friend when one has done the same for us. And someone has done the same for us, and much more (that is, Jesus Christ).


So if you find that in the mornings you cannot keep your head on straight long enough to remember to pack your lunch before you rush to the car, or you cannot recall to get quarters for doing your laundry because of the laundry list of things you have to do in one day, chill. Stop. Hold it. Relax and breathe. Say a "Hail Mary," or try to imagine the Cross. Picture your idea of heaven. Best of all, find a chapel with Eucharistic Adoration. Stop for ten minutes and just be with Him. Stop for an hour and really pray. Whatever efforts you make, let them be for the stillness. 


When we are bearers of peace in our hearts, the peace that only Jesus gives, we will be amazed at what we learn. We will discover the strength to address our weaknesses that we find so unattractive and to work on them. We will discover the determination to improve what things we find lacking in ourselves. We will discover the patience to endure things which are hard or sorrowful or trying. We will find that others recognize in us a sense of relief and comfort. We will be like miniature safe havens for the very weary in our world. We will be places of peace for them because we will know Who is our peace and where our peaces comes from. We will be able to give what we have, and know what we have to offer. 


The cliche "take time to smell the roses" is just so true. Take time to calm down, and look around. Take time to look around inside yourself. Take time to invite the Holy Spirit to illuminate your heart. Breathe in deeply the fragrance of the Love of God, which is potent and stirring. Do not let the culture of progress, deadlines, noise and distraction leave you alone and unsure of your own self because there was no time for that. Make time for that. Self-reflection leads to self-awareness, and self-awareness means that you can spend more time in the heights and less time trying to make it across that shaky bridge that can lead to selfishness.

It's all about Love.

You know those funny Christian songs that repeat things a lot and seem to say very little other than that God is good and we love him? Sometimes, I need those songs. Their purpose is a feeling more than developed lyrics. Sometimes they offer one profound thought, or one focus for your heart, and the rest of the time you are just being kept on track while you allow that single idea to settle and take root in you. Songs like "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord"... not that much of a new concept. But when you listen to the whole song, you understand the basic theme of praising God, in the good and bad times. Or "Lay it Down".. even more simple. You surrender yourself and your life to God. That's the crux, and the whole song. The songs that are a few short lines that find themselves repeated are often the ones that most swiftly lead you to true worship. You aren't worrying about following the notes all over the staff, and you aren't concerned with the words that are coming up either; simply, you enter into prayer. 

Now, please don't misunderstand me, I am a critic of music. Especially certain types, which I will not get into here. And likewise there are certain forms that I am very devoted to. The bands I love most are those that I find ingenious - those whose lyrics turn simple thoughts and phrases upside down or inside out, and allow me to think about life in new ways. I love poetry, and I love thinking outside of the box. I love imagery and analogy. The bands that run along these lines are those that I truly enjoy. However, that does not mean that each genre of music does not have it's place. I love jazz, and classical, and orchestra and latin chorus and punk and rock and boy bands and girls who sing their hearts out... each in their own place. When I need to get out some frustration, I will go run to my fun/angry/punky/yell-about-life songs. And when I need to be quiet and find peace, or even more importantly, pray, the Christian songs that are "worshipful" are the best. 

That being said, when I write a song that is in that style of worship-music, I get excited. I love repetition, when it is good. However, often when I go back I find myself disappointed with the music because it seems so tame or emotionless. That is when I recall that the purpose was for me to get over myself and into a place of communication and prayer, a place where I can thank God for life specifically in the form of music. In that case, I can't allow my annoyance that this song is nowhere near the symphony I feel God actually deserves. He wants to embrace us. Some people, I know, do not find music in anyway prayerful or worshipful, and these "Christian songs" are the worst. That's fine. I have found them to be excellent ways for me to pray, especially when I am with friends or family and can praise together. 

So here are some lyrics that were running through my head today. Granted, you can't hear the music (because I'm not going to put it on youtube right now.. I'm supposed to be writing a 10 page paper, haha), so you don't know the melody and that is part of the experience. But as it is, I wanted to put the words down. I wrote the song a few years ago, and periodically it just gets stuck in my head. 

We stand before your body.

We stand before your blood.

What gift could ever measure up

to the Love that you are?

So take my heart, it's all I have.

Take my faith, it's in your hands.

Take my life, all of my heart,

Take my fears and show me you.

We stand before your body,

and we stand before your blood.

What gift will ever measure up

to the Love that you are?

Take my heart, it's all I have.

Take my faith, it's in your hands.

Take my life, all of my heart, 

Take my fears and show me you.

Behold the body of Christ.

Behold, the God of the universe.

Behold the King of the world.

Behold, the Lamb who was slain.

If all that I am,

Would be only yours.

What could I fear?

What could I fail to love?

I'll be very honest here, I love music and poetry. I love words. I'm not always good at them though. Sometimes it comes very easily, and sometimes I feel like I can't find that natural rhythm that is usually there. But when I do find the current that is running inside of my veins and allow myself to float along its course, I usually find myself surprised at how simple it all is. Sometimes I want to be able to develop something truly literarily spectacular, but I understand that if what inspires me is sitting still in a tree or by myself somewhere, I'm probably going to reflect the simplicity of my inspiration. And once again, I'm just not a genius. :)

So anyway, go read St. John the Beloved, St. John Chrysostom, St. Therese of Lisieux, or any other of those wonderful saints whose poetry is truly gripping if you need something beautiful to mull over. In fact, read John Paul II, especially The Jeweler's Shop, a play he wrote. 

But take time to allow things to settle inside of you. I cannot tell you how often I need to slow myself down to hear my heart beat before I carry on with life. I see myself running off like the little four year old I was, getting lost in the mall because I forgot to look at where my mom was going, I was so intent on getting to whatever temptation the toy store may have held. Nothing has really changed. Deadlines, papers, friends, "fun," etc... the things that demand my time and effort and energy and presence begin to get me running toward them too fast, much too fast. Then I arrive and realize I left "me" behind. That is a terrible feeling, realizing you didn't bring the real "you" along because you were in too much of a rush. Give yourself time to breathe, to think, to discover, to wonder, to be. 

Allow the world to present to you its gifts. The dawn awaits your eyes, awaits your heart. Those pinks and purples and blues are painting the clouds and buildings and that ever-so-gentle sunlight is peaking over the horizon, hoping to meet your eager gaze. But where are you? Staring at the jerk in front of you who just cut you off in the four lane highway that you aren't getting anywhere fast on? (That would be my life.) The dawn is still there, right in front of your eyes. Do you want to see it? Will you allow it to bring its beauty before you? Gosh! How often this world, and PEOPLE, come before us, offering us their goodness. How often your coworkers have some small personal achievement in the day that is truly worthy of your appreciation. Although it may have been a minute task, they preformed it with the beauty that only they could bring to it. How often my coworker's issues mean little to me. What they have to offer goes overlooked because I can't slow down. 

Let us take some time to stand before life. Before God. Before others. Before ourselves. Who are you? Who is the Lord? Who are these people in your life? What is this life? Why do you do anything that you do? We never want to bother to ask these questions because the worst fear might just come to be true - that we aren't doing it for love, but because we are slaves. We cannot bear to live that way. It is a half-life. God has set us free. Free from sin and free from a world that would teach us that love isn't real, or isn't to be trusted. How foolish. God is the only true and eternal thing, the one who holds all of life in place, and we would believe that he is a fantasy or fictitious, just so that we don't have to face the pain that is entailed in love. What are we thinking? Pain is because we need to grow. Love is because we are. Love is how we are. To be should be to love. If that is not our life, we must find ways to make it our life.  Nothing else is going to satisfy! Nothing is truly enough, other than what is real love. We will always feel incomplete without Him. Even when we do pray and do strive to love, we face satan's temptations and the world's lies, teaching us to distrust the goodness and faithfulness of our Father. How often I am still tempted to disappointment and loneliness because I listen to the lies instead of the truth! The more we are in the habit of putting ourselves somewhere where we can be still and quiet, and truly pray, the more we will be able to weed out the truth from the lies, and hear only the voice we should hear. The only voice that speaks in love.

I'll end with my favorite image of all time. I've placed it on this blog before, but the face of love never gets old.

Amen.